The pros and cons of fatherhood

As with every life decision or change, there are good things and challenges. If you want to take a rational approach to fatherhood, consider the following.

On the plus side:

• Fathers report their lives are more meaningful than before they had a child.
• Fatherhood can make you a more compassionate, mature, and confident person.
• You get to be a child all over again (yes, you get to play with cool toys and teach your child lots of silly tricks).
• Being a father is a chance for you to hand down skills and values from your family. This will feel very good when you’re nearing your final days.
• You’ll probably for the first time in your life truly understand your own father.
• You get a real kick out of raising a child well and seeing her achieve lots of things.

The challenges:

• Until around three months of age, newborn babies are a real handful. They cry, sometimes for no apparent reason at all, and you feel like the sound is piercing your brain. There’s a reason recordings of crying babies are used as torture. Chapter 6 provides helpful hints about settling a newborn and coping with crying.
• Sleep deprivation is also a well-known torture technique. Fathers of babies under a year old typically get 42 minutes less sleep a night than other men. Doesn’t sound like much, but it adds up. For ways to deal with sleep deprivation, see Chapter 8.
• You’ll have less time for yourself and making plans really does mean making plans — spontaneity goes out the window a bit at the beginning. Check out Chapter 8 for ways to get out and about.

We think the upsides of fatherhood far outweigh the downsides, especially because most of the really annoying aspects (like sleep deprivation) get much easier the older your children get.

A sad reality for a small percentage of fathers in the United States is that they may not get the chance to experience all the joys that fatherhood has to offer. Though we don’t often talk about it in our society, miscarriage, stillbirth, premature birth, and death in infancy are terrible losses for some fathers to bear. Others have to deal with the fact that their child, so full of promise and hope, has a serious illness or disability that forces them to shift expectations of what being a father is all about. We talk more about these issues in Chapters 17 and 18 with lots of information and support for parents.

Knowing what to expect

Asking someone to tell you what being a father is like is a bit like asking how long a piece of string is. Answering that question is impossible. Like the uniqueness of your child’s DNA, every father’s experience is different. A good way to get an idea of what fatherhood is like is to spend some time with friends who have recently had a baby. Talk to your own parents too.

Here are some common factors that most fathers face:

• Sharing your partner’s body with your child before and after birth can feel a bit weird. Sex during pregnancy can be brilliant or a bit challenging, depending on your partner’s experience. (See Chapter 3 for more about sex during pregnancy.) In addition, after giving birth some women aren’t into sharing their boobs with you and baby too.
• Sleep becomes a big issue. Babies don’t understand that day is for being awake and night is for being asleep. Over time, your baby will adjust and eventually sleep through the night — the holy grail for most parents. But a baby who does this before six months of age is rare. Babies also need nutrition every few hours to grow, so if your baby is waking up in the night for feedings, consider it a good thing that he’s thriving and growing. Chapters 6, 7, and 8 discuss feeding your baby and getting him to sleep.
• Expect to feel frightened, scared, overwhelmed, and sometimes lost as you navigate fatherhood. Just changing a diaper for the first time or getting clothes on a newborn feels awkward and wrong when you’re new at it. So what — moms and all other dads who get involved have the same experience.
• You’ll do things that you never thought you’d do, you’ll laugh at things that seem completely ridiculous to you right now, and you may cry at times that you least expect. You’ll also learn lots about yourself and experience things that you cannot experience any other way. Fatherhood is truly an adventure.

Being a father is a lot about acceptance and going with the flow. A useful mantra to remember is “this too will pass,” as every illness, teething episode, period of sleep deprivation, or colic will pass. Looking after a baby teaches you a lot about life, and you may find that you’re more relaxed, confident, and happy as a result of having a child.

Parenting, for both fathers and mothers, requires a certain amount of letting go. When a baby is born, we want things for our child: The best of everything, and every opportunity and good thing in life that may come her way. You naturally want her to avoid the mistakes you made in your own life. But it doesn’t work that way.

Your child is not an extension of you; your baby is her own person. She’ll grow up to have her own ideas, her own interests, and her own strengths, and they may be vastly different from yours. You may want her to be a lawyer so she has money to pay for things you could only dream of, but what really makes her happy is working with animals or in a charity. Sometimes you just have to admit that father doesn’t know best. You may be disappointed, but it’s her life, and only she can live it. Support her — that’s what great dads are for.

Trading in your lifestyle (but not the sports car)

Well, actually, we hate to say it, but you may have to trade in the sports car too. Becoming a father is about changing your state of mind and changing the idea of what’s important to you. As a dad, the car’s less about the ultimate drive and more about keeping your child safe and fitting the stroller in the back. Chapter 4 helps you negotiate safe transport for your baby, as well as what sort of stroller to get.

If you want a baby but don’t want to change the way you live your life, you’re probably better off waiting for a while to have children. Some things will inevitably change:

• Your work: If you want to spend time with your family, you may consider working fewer hours or changing to a flexible working arrangement that you can negotiate with your employer. See Chapter 6 for more about finding a work–life balance.

  You may even decide to give up work and be the primary caregiver to your child, making you a stay-at-home dad (SAHD). If this sounds like you, see Chapter 16 for more information. This book is written with the philosophy that dads, just as much as moms, take part in the day-to-day care of a child, so we’ve left out nothing about how to look after your little one.

• Your freedom: Doing things when and where you want doesn’t work when you’ve got a baby. If the swell is perfect and you just feel like going out for a surf, you may have to wait until baby is asleep or take him and mom along with you. It’s the same with spending time out and about with your partner. Going out to dinner and a movie is no longer a spontaneous activity; it requires planning. Finding time for yourself alongside work and family commitments is one of the biggest challenges fathers face. Chapter 8 gives you ideas for getting out and about after your baby arrives.
• Your finances: If you both had an income before your child came along, you’ll be down to one income for a while. If you lived in a one-bedroom apartment, it’s time to find somewhere bigger and a way to pay for it. We offer some tips on how to reduce the cost of caring for your child in Chapter 12.
• Your friends and family: Your relationship with friends and family will change. If you live away from your parents, you’ll probably find yourself having to spend a lot more time traveling to visit them more often. Some of your childless friends will really embrace you having a child and will become the fun aunt or uncle your child gets excited about seeing. Others will not be so keen on kids — even yours! — and you’ll see them less as a result.
• Your vacations: Going on vacation takes on a whole new meaning. You’ll definitely have to postpone that backpacking trip around South America for a few years, at least until your kids are big enough to trudge alongside you. Family vacations are different — great fun, but unlike any vacation you’ve had since you were a child. Chapter 9 gives you some great ideas for how to manage a trip with baby in tow.
• Your lifestyle: Risky lifestyle or sport activities like base jumping and free climbing are no longer just about risking your own life. You now have to consider the future of your child and family.
• Your health and behavior: A child is one of the ultimate reasons to change some unhealthy habits like smoking, heavy drinking, eating junk food, and being a slob. Children need a smoke-free environment to breathe in, good healthy food, clean clothes and diapers, and good hygiene to prevent illness. And who needs to grow up hearing language that might make a sailor blush? If you’re a little lost when it comes to health and nutrition, we give you the goods in Chapter 14, where you’ll find out about everything from what your child should be eating to exercising together.

Hey, I’m not ready for this

How often in your life can you say you’re really ready for something? Not often. Fatherhood, of all things, is probably the most difficult to feel truly ready for. Even if you’ve been planning to have a child, spent months going through IVF (see Chapter 2 for more about this), and been dreaming of the day you hold your child in your arms, the sledgehammer of reality will probably whack you over the head the day you find out you’re really going to be a dad.

If your partner is already pregnant but you don’t feel ready for fatherhood, you’ve got time on your side. In the coming months, as your baby grows and gets ready for birth, spend some time with other people’s children, talk to other fathers, and let yourself ease into the idea of fatherhood. Think about the kind of father your dad is and what you’ve learned from him. Think of all the things you would do differently.

If you’re really, truly not ready for fatherhood as the birth approaches, it may help if you talk to someone about your fears. Your healthcare provider can put you in touch with a counselor.

You can find a counselor yourself by looking on the Internet, but asking other people for recommendations, if you’re comfortable doing it, is a better way to find someone who is on your same wavelength. A pastor or other spiritual advisor, if you have one, can also help you find the right person — or, in some cases, could actually be the right person to talk to.

Don’t forget to talk to your partner about what you’re feeling. After all, you are in this together, so it helps to share your feelings and thoughts with her.

Although having children can be the most amazing and joyous adventure, the strains of work, family, and other commitments can put a lot of pressure on a relationship. Unfortunately, many relationships don’t survive this extra pressure. In Chapter 19, we talk about how fathers can cope with divorce and separation and still continue to be great dads.

My partner wants a baby

You’re faced with a sticky situation — your partner is ready to have a baby, her biological clock is ticking, all her friends have babies, and she’s eager to join the club. But you’re not.

Here’s our advice: Rather than fight the idea of becoming a parent — moan, whine, or try to ignore it until it goes away — give the idea of fatherhood some serious thought. Talk about it together with your partner, explain why you’re not ready, but equally, listen to her point of view. Imagine yourself as a dad — how does that feel?

Mull it over. Where do you want to be in ten years? Dad to a child (or four) with the rewards that brings? Or still living a childless life with the freedom that brings? When you look back on your life in your old age, do you want children and family to be part of it?

You may feel like there’s never a good time to have children or you just don’t feel ready. Perhaps you’re quite clear that you definitely don’t want children. Cool, but then you also owe it to your partner to let her know.

Timing isn’t always everything

Sometimes, despite thinking that you’ll wait to have a family until after a big project is completed, or you’ve found a bigger house, or until you’ve been on that trekking trip to Nepal, nature jumps the gun. Your partner sits you down and says she’s pregnant. Wow — you’re going to be a dad. The key is to not panic. Freak out maybe, but don’t panic (mostly because it takes a while for the baby to arrive). Okay, so you haven’t painted the roof or skydived yet. Well, you never wanted to be one of those “boring older people” anyway, so there are still plenty of opportunities to do whatever you want to do, perhaps even with your children. Fatherhood doesn’t mean you suddenly have to stay home every night whittling on the front porch; it just means the pace of life you live ticks along to a different clock.

Dadhood: A good time to man up

All your life you’ve had just one person to take care of — yourself. You’ve made choices, taken risks, and shouldered the consequences. But becoming a father is “the big stuff.” You have a vulnerable, dependent, helpless child on your hands who needs you for the most basic aspects of her survival, such as food, warmth, and love.

Becoming a dad can add a profound sense of meaning to your life. Your views on life, priorities in the world, and aspirations for your own future are forever altered. This is a good thing. By becoming a dad you become part of the circle of life that has been going for eons. You’re passing on the baton to your child, packed with all your wisdom and skills, to send him off on his own journey. You’ve got so much you can share with your offspring.

Children need dads. A Canadian study showed that having a father in a child’s life helps her develop empathy. Another long-term study showed that a father’s involvement with his child from birth to adolescence helps build emotional stability, curiosity, and self-esteem.

If you’re going to have a child, be involved, committed, and passionate about your new role. Your child deserves nothing less.

Joining the movement

By becoming a father, you join the ranks of men for thousands of generations before you. You’ve come from a long line of fathers! So you’re in good company. In the United States, the average age of first-time dads is 32.

So as a soon-to-be-dad, we’d like to encourage and inspire you to join the movement of involved and active fathers. Our children need involved fathers in their lives, and you also owe it to yourself. If you’re going to be a dad, be a 100 percent dad and experience it all. You wouldn’t do other things in your life halfheartedly, so get with it and give it your best shot. Make an effort, learn what you need to know, and spend as much time as possible with your child.

Exploring care routine strategies

The question of how best to raise a baby is one of the most hotly contested subjects today. The rows of parenting psychology books on bookstore shelves attest to that. We’ve become disengaged over the last few centuries from listening to our instincts. We’ve let medical science overrule our hearts and minds, and slavishly followed rigid routines and overbearing doctor’s orders that have demanded that mother’s convenience come first and baby’s needs come second. We’ve joined the rat race and let work dictate our daily and weekly schedules.

Families are also smaller than they used to be, so children can grow up never having to help mom wash the diapers or settle a baby like they did back in our grandparents’ day, when there were as many children in a family as you could find names for.

In recent years, there’s been a swing back to letting the child’s needs lead the way as well as research that backs up this method of parenting. Parents caught in the middle of grandparents’ ways, their own instincts, and the swing back to gentler parenting methods can find deciding on a parenting method confusing. Media reports shower us with research that says everything under the sun is bad for our kids, and we’re stuck between experts who promote their particular technique and the latest trend from celebrity parents. Chapter 10 has lots of great tips for raising your child in a warm, loving relationship, as well as making discipline work.

Keep in mind that the way you want to run things in your family is up to you. Whether you adhere to a strict routine or are a bit more laid back about it, your little one will be okay as long as he is clean, fed, and thriving; is happy and cheerful; gets enough sleep; and is shown love and affection. Don’t get caught in a trap of constantly comparing your baby to other babies; it generally leads nowhere and just adds to your frustration. Have confidence in the way you bring up your children and trust in your child developing in his own unique way.

These are some of the care routine strategies you may have heard of as you contemplate fatherhood and how you’ll cope with a newborn:

• Strict routine: In our moms’ day, a strict routine with feedings and sleeping by the clock was promoted as being the best way to bring up a baby. Today, advocates of this method claim that having a strict routine or schedule establishes good habits early so you can detour sleepless nights and excessive crying. For some parents, this routine works just fine, and their baby easily slips into line. For others, their baby resists and parents end up even more stressed out that their little one won’t play by the book.
• A routine, but not by the clock: Babies need to feed and sleep at regular intervals, but rather than let the clock determine when that might be, reading your child’s cues is the key to making the routine work. There’s a pattern or routine of waking for a feeding, having a diaper change, spending some play or awake time, and then going back down for a sleep that continues throughout the day, but at night there’s no play or awake time. Chapter 6 has more about establishing a routine.
• Attachment parenting: This form of parenting mimics parenting styles found in developing countries, where cribs, bassinets, and strollers are rare. Your child is in contact with you at all times of the day, is carried around in a sling or baby carrier, and sleeps with you at night, so that she builds a strong bond and attachment with you.

Many other strategies for raising a newborn exist. Do you leave him to cry when you put him down in order to teach him to fall asleep on his own, or rock him to sleep in your arms for every nap? Do you have the baby sleep in your bed, or put him in a bassinet in his own room? These are questions that you and your partner have to ponder and come up with your own answers to. You have to live with whichever strategy you come up with, so the strategy has to work for you. Chapter 6 gives you lots of ideas for raising a newborn.

Another minefield you’re going to have to get your head around is your child’s education. Private, public, parochial, Montessori — these are all terms you’re going to hear bandied about as your child gets older. Luckily for you, we’ve done some of the legwork in Chapter 15 so you can figure out the educational maze for yourself.

As your baby turns into a toddler, you’ll have to start thinking about discipline. People often think of discipline as the way you punish your child for being naughty. But in our books, that’s not what discipline is about. Discipline is about creating an environment where your child can learn to adjust her behavior and understand what’s okay and what’s not. Discipline is about clear boundaries, consistency, and consequences. We talk about discipline in more depth in Part 3.