“In the field of interpretation of body language there is simply no one as expert as Elizabeth Kuhnke. Her new book, Body Language, confirms her extraordinary knowledge of the subject. This book is a must for everybody!”
Libby Appel, Artistic Director Emerita at Oregon Shakespeare Festival
“Whether you are a manager, a recruiter, a sales person, a candidate or a client, Kuhnke's book is essential reading. It takes a complex subject and renders it accessible to all.”
John Lucy, HR Director at Berwin Leighton Paisner LLP
“Body Language is essential reading for anyone who wants to really understand people beyond words. Whether you're trying to decode corporate politics, or get on with the in-laws – I would highly recommend this book.”
John Kelly, Off Trade Director at Heineken Ireland
“To rely on words alone is like viewing the world through the wrong end of a telescope. Expand your appreciation of all language a person brings to a conversation. This book will help you decode the non-verbal signals that posture and expression bring to the dialogue.”
Russell Hampshire FCA
“A real hands-on guide that helped me to understand the messages my body sends and then taught me how to align them with my verbal communication. It also serves very well to interpret other people's emotions. If you care about relationships reading this book is a must.”
Günter Schäuble, Head of Corporate Finance & Tax at Schindler Group, Switzerland
“If you are looking for a book that combines the theory of body language with insightful exercises and techniques that you can practice yourself, then this is the book for you. Body Language comprehensively reveals the most important information on nonverbal communication that everybody should learn.”
Kasia Wezowski, co-founder of The Centre for Body Language
“Straightforward, accessible, and filled with useful tips and exercises, this book is a ‘must have' for HR professionals and business leaders.”
Emma Lyon, Fellow CIPD and International HR Director
“Clear, congruent communication – in which your body language matches your spoken words – is vital if you want people to understand your message. Elizabeth's tips and exercises are simple, practical and easy to implement. I highly recommend this book.”
Beverley Sorsby, Head of Human Resources, Professional Services
This edition first published 2016
© 2016 Elizabeth KuhnkeRegistered office
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Kuhnke, Elizabeth, author.
Title: Body language : learn how to read others and communicate with confidence / Elizabeth Kuhnke.
Description: Hoboken : Capstone, 2016.
Identifiers: LCCN 2016012012 (print) | LCCN 2016016289 (ebook) |
ISBN 9780857087041 (paperback) | ISBN 9780857087072 (ebk) |
ISBN 9780857087034 (ebk) | ISBN 9780857087072 (pdf) | ISBN 9780857087034 (epub)
Subjects: LCSH: Body language.
Classification: LCC BF637.N66 K8397 2016 (print) | LCC BF637.N66 (ebook) |
DDC 153.6/9–dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016012012A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
ISBN 978-0-857-08704-1 (paperback)
ISBN 978-0-857-08707-2 (ebk) ISBN 978-0-857-08703-4 (ebk)Cover design: Wiley Cover image: © Toby Bridson/iStockphoto
Illustrations by Curtis Allen
“When the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the language of the first.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
You’re probably familiar with this scenario: someone is saying one thing to you, while their body seems to be saying something else – and you’re left feeling confused. Do you believe the spoken words you’re hearing or the body language that you’re seeing? Global research and anecdotal evidence consistently show that the truth lies in the manner of delivery.
Not that words don’t matter. They do. But if the words and the delivery don’t match, your listeners are going to believe what they observe rather than what you’re saying.
“ Without uttering a syllable, you can convey your thoughts, feelings, and intentions through your body language. ”
While your spoken words convey information like facts and data, your body reveals other information like your attitude, intentions, and general state of being. And, while you may tell a white lie or two to save someone’s feelings, or may create total fabrications to protect your interests, don’t be surprised if your body gives the game away. For example, let’s say that a colleague is given the job that you wanted and you say “I’m happy for you”. The only problem is: your eyes are squinted, your brow is furrowed, and your fists are clenched. Your words are saying one thing while your body is saying something else. No wonder your co-worker turns away in disappointment or even worse, disgust.
However, all is not lost. By being aware of the messages your body sends out, and by practising specific gestures, postures, and expressions, you can create the impressions and convey the messages that you want to communicate. In addition, by observing and interpreting other people’s actions, you have the upper hand when it comes to understanding their mindset and responding to their behaviour.
“I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be until I finally became that person.”
–Cary Grant
So, if you want to enhance your interpersonal communication, learning how to read other people’s body language and being able to control the signs and signals that your gestures, posture, and facial expressions transmit is vital. Restated: If relationships matter to you, if you want to know what people are thinking, and if you want to determine how people perceive you, learn about body language. The more conscious you are of unspoken messages, the better equipped you will be to build relationships, anticipate reactions, and adapt your behaviour according to the environment.
Learning how body language works and how you can perfect yours takes commitment. To test your level of interest, start by asking yourself the following questions:
If you answered “Yes” to any or all of these questions, read on. Even if you responded “No”, the fact that you’ve gotten this far indicates that you’re interested enough in non-verbal behaviour to persevere. Who knows? By practising the suggestions I share with you, you could become an expert at conveying and interpreting the unspoken messages behind the spoken word.
Throughout this book you will discover the meanings behind postures, movements, gestures, and facial expressions. You will learn how to decipher lies and demonstrate courting behaviour. You will learn both how to clarify your messages as well as camouflage what you’d rather not reveal. Before going any further, remember to approach the study of body language with respect and responsibility.
“ Read the signs. Reflect on what they mean. React appropriately. ”
If someone says “I love you” with a cleaver-like frown line between the eyes, clenched fists, a curled lip, and flared nostrils, you might want to run away as fast as possible. If, however, the nostrils are flared while the mouth is partially open with a smile playing at the lips, the hands are open with the palms facing you, and the eyes are moist, you’d be right in recognizing the signs of sexual interest.
When you say “I’ve never been happier” with dull eyes and slumped shoulders, don’t be surprised if your listener asks you, “What’s wrong?” There’s no point in getting angry or denying that your words are saying one thing while your non-verbal behaviours are communicating something else.
“I’ve never been happier” – who do you believe?
At this point, you might still be wondering why you should concern yourself with learning how to read other people’s body language. You might be deliberating the importance of identifying different types of gestures, postures, and expressions. You might even be questioning the benefit of adapting your behaviour to suit the moment. If that’s the case, consider the following scenarios.
Perhaps you want to know how your boss feels about your current performance, or are curious about what your partner is thinking. Perhaps you want to impress a potential employer or reject a possible suitor. When you observe and interpret other people’s body language, you gain access to their state of mind. The more you know what others are thinking and how they’re feeling, the more you will be able to choose how to react towards them.
“ If you want to create positive and productive relationships, being adept at reading the signs and adapting your behaviour is your gateway to success. ”
In addition, if you want to communicate your feelings without speaking, letting your body do the talking is the way to go. For example, you and your colleague can agree that when either of you puts an index finger by the side of their nose that means “stop talking”. You can set up a series of signals that indicate the time has come to leave the room. You can suggest your interest in someone through the way you look at them, without committing yourself verbally in case the interest isn’t reciprocated. Your body language can speak for you.
In order to make this book relevant to your daily life, I have structured the content around specific scenarios. This way you can flip to the section that is relevant for you without having to search through material that may not be germane to your needs. Each section identifies detailed actions that you can expect to encounter and provides you with examples of effective behaviours you can adopt in response. In addition, at the end of each chapter you will find exercises designed to enhance your ability to communicate through the use of your gestures, movements, and facial expressions.
If you want to improve your ability to read other people’s feelings and intentions, or develop your ability to reveal – or conceal – your own, you’ll find the answers here. In a nutshell, the purpose of this book is to help you recognize the power of body language and turn you into a top-notch communicator.
Now, turn to a section that interests you and start reading.