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Kindness

Change your life and make the world a kinder place





Gill Hasson

















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To my grandmother Yá Lily and her sister, my great aunt, Theía Litsa.

Introduction

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

comedian John Foster Hall, quoted by W. H. Auden

We need more kindness!

It’s easy to think that bad things happen in the world all the time; a continual stream of headlines describing all sorts of horrors and wrongdoings can keep us in a near permanent state of worry and mistrust. Sometimes it can feel like everyone’s out to get each other. Having to deal with constantly horrifying news is not good for any of us. But what, if anything, can you do about it all?

In his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey explains the concept of the ‘Circle of Concern’ and the ‘Circle of Influence’. The Circle of Concern is the area that we have no control over but that we often spend time and energy getting caught up in; getting wound up and worried about.

A wide range of events – the economy, war and terrorism, the behaviour of celebrities, sports stars and politicians, for example – fall into the Circle of Concern. You have little or no control over these events, but you can easily consume more and more information about them. It drains your time and energy and can leave you feeling stressed, helpless and negative simply because you have little or no control over these events.

The Circle of Influence, on the other hand, is the area that you do have control over. It involves the issues and events that you can influence in your daily life: where you go, what you do and, most importantly, your interactions with family and friends, colleagues and neighbours – the people you talk to or meet each day. You can do something about the issues, events and people in your Circle of Influence. You can be kind.

Instead of reacting to or worrying about people and events over which you have little or no control, you can focus your time and energy on things you can control. You can reach out to others and make a positive difference: you can be kind.

Think of a time you helped out another person. What did you do? Maybe you helped someone with some work they were struggling with. Perhaps you explained something to someone and made a difficult concept easier to understand. Were you able to help someone in need; someone in pain or distress? Perhaps you simply did someone a favour. Whatever it was, after you’d helped them, how did you feel? How did you feel about yourself, the other person and the world?

Although kindness and consideration expect no reward or recognition, being aware of and doing something to benefit someone else can make you and the person you are helping feel good. Chapter 1 of Kindness explains the many benefits of being kind; it explains how acts of kindness helps people feel respected, valued and worthy. It helps them to feel connected to others; to feel they’re included, they belong and are appreciated. Kindness helps make people happy. In fact, kindness is contagious: experiencing, seeing or hearing about acts of kindness inspires others to do something kind themselves.

How, though, do you learn to be kind? You already are! It’s innate in each and every one of us to be kind – to show care and concern, to want to help others. Kindness is in you and it’s all around you. You just need to be more aware of it and use it more often. Kindness shows you how.

There are two parts to this book: Part 1 explains how to reach out to others and show your sympathy and empathy, your care, concern and consideration. You’ll learn the importance of being welcoming to others; how to include them, be supportive and encouraging, and not just say thanks and express appreciation for what someone does for you, but to show appreciation.

There are limits to kindness though. Kindness isn’t synonymous with weakness. You can be kind, considerate, generous and compassionate without being walked all over. Being kind is not about being a people pleaser – people pleasing is not coming from a genuine place of kindness; people pleasing is actually meeting your own need to be liked, rather than just wanting to make a positive difference.

Although there are situations and circumstances where an act of kindness on your part may mean putting yourself out, you’re encouraged to do whatever feels natural and within your ability; to contribute what you’re good at, not what you’re no good at doing or not able to give.

Sometimes, though, the limits of your kindness may already be self-imposed. Are you only nice to people who you like, or who are like you? Do you divide people into those who are worthy of your goodwill and those who are not?

It’s not always easy to be kind to others; when you disagree or disapprove of how someone is living their life; when they are doing or not doing something in the same way you would. Chapter 4 explains the need to respect the choices, abilities, and limits of others; to replace your assumptions and judgments with acceptance, patience and tact.

Being tactful – knowing what’s appropriate to say or do to avoid giving offence – is also a useful skill for dealing with difficult or delicate situations. Whether it’s letting someone down and disappointing them or giving bad news, Chapter 4 explains how you can do this with tact and kindness.

Being kind to people when you have bad news is difficult enough. But the biggest kindness challenge is when others are behaving badly towards you: when they’re rude; being disrespectful or belittling, irritating or deliberately annoying. If only there were a way to make all those rude, horrible people go and live on an island together so you didn’t have to deal with them! But there isn’t. Chapter 5 explains how to avoid meeting rudeness with rudeness – how to avoid being unkind when others are thoughtless and inconsiderate or just downright deliberately rude. You’ll read about how to be assertive, not unkind, when other people are out of order. Kindness can turn a negative situation into a positive one; if you can show a kindness to someone even though they’re being unreasonable, it can make you both feel better.

In fact, being kind to others encourages you to be kind to yourself! Part 2 of Kindness explains how. It starts by looking at ways to feel good about yourself. You’re encouraged to identify, acknowledge and appreciate your strengths, your efforts, achievements and the blessings in your life.

Reflecting on what you do well and the good things in your life is self-kindness; it’s uplifting. How often, though, do you give yourself a hard time when you make a mistake, when you screw up or when you’re finding it difficult to cope? Berating and blaming yourself, having regrets and feeling guilty isn’t exactly uplifting; it doesn’t provide you with what you need most: kindness, hope and encouragement.

You wouldn’t berate a friend when they made a mistake. You wouldn’t be that unkind. So why be so unkind to yourself? Chapter 7 explains how, when things are difficult, you can treat yourself with the same kindness, respect and support you would give a good friend that you care about.

The last chapter – Chapter 8 – discusses the importance of self-kindness, self-care and self-compassion when you’re going through a really tough time; when you’ve suffered a loss, a major change in your life, you’re ill or injured. It’s times like these that you need comfort and reassurance, kindness and compassion, not just from other people but from yourself, too.

Being kind to yourself and being kind to others, though it won’t undo all the sadness and mitigate the horrors, can help lessen their force or intensity. Kindness absolutely does help make a positive difference. If only for a moment, or a few minutes, kindness counts. With kindness comes hope. Hope that things will improve; that the world can be a better place.

PART 1
Being Kind to Others