In 2017, Glenda and Raphi Savitz moved to Newton, Massachusetts with their 2‐year‐old daughter Samantha, who was born deaf. When they were out in the community, local people noticed that Glenda and Raphi were signing to Samantha. Some of them decided they wanted to learn how to communicate with Samantha too, so 20 neighbours and friends got together and hired a teacher to run a weekly evening class and teach them American Sign Language. Samantha's Mum, Glenda, told a journalist: ‘Samantha's whole personality changes when she meets someone she can communicate with.’

Human beings are social beings. It's inherent in us to want to communicate and connect with each other.

We're born with an innate ability to communicate. We learn to communicate by listening to and/or watching other people; practising and then adjusting how and what we communicate according to the response we receive. We learn that there are basic rules of communication, known as the rules of reciprocal communication. This means that we have to take turns to talk and that we need to wait until the other person has finished talking before we say something. We learn, too, that the second person to say something should respond to what the first person has said, rather than introduce a completely new subject.

Is it really that simple? Of course not. Why? Because communication is not a straightforward process, it's a dynamic process, influenced by all the complexities and uncertainties of human behaviour. Even with the most simple of communications, both people may think they understand what's passed between them, but often, what's occurred is a miscommunication.

Chapter 1 of this book identifies some of the issues that contribute to miscommunication; it describes how cultural, generational, and individual differences in how we communicate often lead to misunderstandings.

It's not just what we say, but what we hear, or what we think we hear that also leads to misunderstandings. Our assumptions, beliefs, judgements, and emotional states are often behind much of what we misconstrue and misinterpret. They can easily distort what the other person is saying.

So, although our ability to communicate is innate, we're not always that good at it! However, as well as being innate, communication is also a skill; it's an ability that we can learn to develop and improve.

In this book, the emphasis is on assertive communication. Assertive communication encourages each person to take part in a shared process; one that helps promote a genuine connection between people; a connection that involves respect and trust, confidence and empathy between people. Chapter 2 – ‘What to Say and How to Say it’ – describes assertive communication. It emphasizes the need to be clear and direct when you're talking to someone else; to do it in a way that makes it easy for them to listen and to understand what you mean.

Whether you're explaining your ideas, giving your opinion, giving directions, encouraging or persuading someone else, their perspective or knowledge concerning what you're talking about might be different from yours. What do they already know or not know? What might they feel about what you're talking about? Is this a good time and place for them to listen to what you have to say?

You need to be prepared to adapt the way you communicate; to be aware that how you say something can help make it easy for other people to listen and to understand what you mean. In Chapter 2, and in other chapters, there's advice on talking and listening to someone who has communication difficulties and you'll read that the advice for talking and listening to someone with communication difficulties can be followed by all of us, whoever we're talking or listening to.

Just as you do when you're talking to someone, when you put something in writing you need to make it easy for the other person – the reader – to understand you. When you're talking with another person – in person or on the phone – you can get an immediate response and if there are any obvious misunderstandings you're able to clarify, there and then, what you mean. But when you communicate in writing this doesn't necessarily happen, so you need to be even more sure to make your meaning clear. Chapter 3 explains how you can do this. And, as a bonus, once you've developed the ability to write more effectively, you'll find that what and how you say things also improves.

Chapter 4 is about listening. Dolly Parton once said ‘It takes an awful lot of work to look this cheap.’ The same is true for listening; it takes a lot of work to do something that appears to take no effort.

The way to become an effective listener is to learn and practise what's known as ‘active listening’. And that requires some work on your part. But it's always worth it. Active listening makes communication easier and helps you better connect with others. Amongst other things, active listening enables you to concentrate on what the other person is saying and avoid interrupting. It helps you overcome your assumptions and increase your understanding; develop empathy and rapport; consider different points of view and be clear about where you do and don't agree.

But it's not just what a person says – what a person doesn't say – their non‐verbal communication – can tell you a lot too. A person's non‐verbal messages can emphasize and support what they're saying but they can also contradict what they're saying. Chapter 5 explains how you can better understand where a person is coming from; how you can read between the lines. You'll learn that you can't rely on a single gesture, facial expression, and so on to confirm what someone does or doesn't mean or what they're feeling; you'll need to take a combination of non‐verbal signals into consideration.

This book is in two parts – Part One is concerned with the principles of effective communication. It describes what gets in the way of effective communication and it explains how, when you're talking to someone else, you can do it in a way that makes it easy for them to listen and to understand what you mean. Part One also teaches you ways to better understand what other people say and mean.

Part Two of this book shows you how these principles of good communication can be put into practice and help you better connect with others.

Whether it's just a minute waiting for an elevator with a colleague or a few hours sat next to a friend's cousin at a wedding, with some people you feel comfortable talking to them and conversation just seems to flow quite naturally. But with others, it's not so easy; trying to engage the other person is like wading through wet concrete; it's hard work. What to say? What to ask? How to respond? What if there's an awkward silence?

Chapter 6 answers all these questions. You'll learn how, in social situations, you can be more confident making small talk and how you can turn small talk into a more meaningful conversation.

If you're open, friendly, and show an interest in other people, they'll most likely want to talk with you and you'll want to talk back; to exchange ideas, thoughts and opinions, anecdotes and stories. How, though, do you respond when someone is sad and upset, distressed and struggling to cope? What to say when a family member, a friend, colleague, or your partner tells you that they're desperately unhappy and want to quit their job. Or that they're very worried about their financial situation. How to respond to a colleague who tells you that his wife has left him? Or that they or a close family member has been diagnosed with a serious illness? Chapter 7 has some clear, sound advice about what to say and how to respond to someone who's facing a difficult, challenging situation.

No doubt, like all of us, you often interact with people who have different opinions, beliefs, feelings, and needs to you. Your ability to exchange opinions feelings etc with other people, understand their perspectives, and solve problems between you will depend on how effectively you are able to communicate. Whether you're hoping to persuade others to give you something you want or do things your way, or to help you with something, accept your suggestion, or agree with your point of view, so often things don't turn out as you would like. Persuading is a skill. There are better and worse ways of doing it. Chapter 8 explains how.

In a range of situations, knowing that you have good communication skills enables you to connect more easily and feel more confident about communicating with a diverse range of people. Good communication skills help you develop friendships and relationships at work and at home.

Being able to communicate more effectively with family and friends means that you will know what to say to get others to open up to you; you will be more able to understand their feelings and emotions, what they mean and what they need. In turn, you will more likely be listened to and understood.

Being able to communicate well at work and in professional settings gets you ahead. If you're an effective communicator you can easily explain useful and interesting ideas and meet other people's responses, whatever they are. Others will take you seriously. They'll listen to what you have to say and be more likely to want to engage in discussion. You'll minimize misunderstandings and confusion and save time because others can understand information and direction you're giving them, easily and quickly.

Last but not least, in any situation, your good communication skills also enable others to communicate more clearly.

Convinced? Now you just need to know how to get those all‐important skills.

Read on!