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Making Marriage Work For Dummies

1. Aufl.

von: Steven Simring, Sue Klavans Simring, Gene Busnar
16,99 €
Verlag:	Wiley
Format:	EPUB
Veröffentl.:	20.04.2011
ISBN/EAN:	9781118069196
Sprache:	englisch
Anzahl Seiten:	384

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Titelbeschreibung

The inspiration for countless one-liners, witty sayings, stage farces and not a few murder mysteries, marriage is more than just a relationship between two people. It’s one of life’s biggest adventures and a healthy marriage can be one of life’s greatest gifts. But weathering the stresses and strains of married life and maintaining healthy marital bonds over a span of decades takes work, and sometimes you need help from a friendly expert. Which is where Making Marriage Work For Dummies comes in. Drawing on their experiences with thirty years of marriage, during which they raised three children, as well as decades of couples counseling, experts Steven and Sue Simring show you how to build a strong, happy and long-lasting marriage. They offer priceless tips on how to deal with most problems that come up between married couples, and they offer advice on how to: <ul> <li>Make your relationship more romantic</li> <li>Work out big and small differences</li> <li>Argue in ways that strengthen you relationship</li> <li>Resolve disputes over money</li> <li>Cope with mid-life change</li> <li>Handle a spouse who cheats</li> <li>Deal with families and in-laws</li> <li>Reduce stress on your marriage</li> <li>Understand your partner’s annoying habits and quirks</li> <li>Balance career and family goals</li> <li>Seek professional help when you need it</li> </ul> Illustrating their points with insightful, often amusing anecdotes from their own marriage and from the marriages of hundreds of couples they’ve counseled over the years, the Simrings explore such crucial topics as: <ul> <li>Deciding if marriage is right for you</li> <li>Six common marriage myths</li> <li>Understanding the roots of marital problems</li> <li>Communicating with your partner</li> <li>The do’s and don’ts of fair marital fighting</li> <li>Making marriage sexy</li> <li>Examining the marriage life cycle</li> <li>Ideas for resolving money differences</li> <li>Succeeding with remarriage</li> </ul> Filled with ideas you can use now to keep your marriage as strong as the day you took your vows, this is a survival guide for everyone committed to making marriage work.

Inhaltsverzeichnis

Foreword xxiii Introduction 1 Why You Need This Book 1 How This Book Is Organized 2 Part I: What It Means To Say “I Do!” 2 Part II: Can We Talk? 2 Part III: Making Marriage Sexy 3 Part IV: Examining the Marriage Life Cycle 3 Part V: Maintaining a Healthy Marriage 4 Part VI: The Part of Tens 4 Icons Used in This Book 4 Where to Go from Here 5 Part I: What It Means To Say “I Do!” 7 Chapter 1: Taking a Candid Look at Marriage 9 To Marry or Not to Marry? 9 Understanding Marriage Pluses and Minuses 11 Marriage pluses 11 Marriage minuses 12 Why Marriage Isn’t for Everyone 14 Knowing that Unrealistic Expectations Cause Problems 14 Deflating Six Common Marriage Myths 15 Finding Mr or Ms Right 16 Two people in a good marriage automatically grow closer with time 16 When couples argue, it destroys the relationship 16 Pursuing your own individual needs is incompatible with making a marriage work 17 Marriage partners can fill the gaps in one another’s makeup 18 The goal of marriage is for both partners to get exactly what they want 19 Chapter 2: The Five Building Blocks of a Working Marriage 21 Developing a Realistic View of Marriage 21 Treasuring What the Two of You Have in Common 24 Making Room for Separateness in Your Togetherness 27 Agree to do some things separately 29 Develop a balance that suits your relationship 31 Making the Most of Your Differences 31 Combine your strengths 32 Using your differences to mirror one another’s positive traits 32 Remember that your differences were once interesting and pleasurable — not sources of conflict 32 Accepting That Not All Problems Can Be Solved 33 Part II: Can We Talk? 35 Chapter 3: Understanding the Roots of Marital Problems 37 Unraveling a Three-Sided Story 37 Recognizing what you bring to the mix 38 Recognizing what your partner brings to the mix 40 Recognizing the patterns in your marriage 42 Changing negative patterns through positive mirroring 43 Working Together to Build a Stronger Marriage 44 How is your marriage doing? 45 Troubleshooting marital problems 46 Chapter 4: Communicating with Your Partner 47 Recognizing That You’re Always Communicating 48 Watch for changes in mood and attitude 49 Tune into body language 49 Look for signs of nervousness or tension 49 Double-check the meaning of gestures 50 Understanding How You Talk to Each Other 51 Sharpening your listening skills 52 Recognize the impact of conversational pacing differences 55 Husbands, Wives, and Their Communication Styles 56 Understanding the Importance of Negotiation in Marriage 58 Applying the tools of win-win negotiation to marriage 59 Maintaining an ongoing dialogue — especially in matters of the heart 62 Chapter 5: Fighting the Fair Way 65 Understanding That Fights Will Happen 65 Looking for Signs of Unhealthy Fighting 66 Does one spouse fear the other? 67 Does one spouse become physically threatening? 67 Does one spouse destroy property? 67 Does one spouse become verbally or emotionally abusive? 68 Do you fight in front of your children? 69 Does alcohol play a role in your fights? 70 Negotiating to Prevent Fights, When Possible 70 Punctuality 71 Neatness 73 Planning 75 Having a Healthy Fight 76 Defer to the partner who feels most strongly 76 Assume good will 78 Maintain a balance, but don’t keep score 78 Following the Rules of Fair Fighting 79 Be clear about what you (and your partner) want 79 Limit the scope of the argument to the issue at hand 79 Seek a resolution that both of you can live with 80 Go to bed angry, if necessary 80 Look for exceptions 80 See the glass as half full, not as half empty 81 Remember to be kind 82 Apologize when you need to 83 Avoiding the Don’ts of Fair Fighting 83 Don’t look for total victory or unconditional surrender 83 Don’t intentionally prolong the argument 83 Don’t nag or withdraw 84 Don’t bring out the heavy artillery 85 Part III: Making Marriage Sexy 87 Chapter 6: Developing a Great Sex Life 89 Understanding Changes in Sexual Chemistry 89 Communicating Your Sexual Desires 91 Breaking Down Three Major Roadblocks to Good Sex 94 Children 94 Stress and marital tensions 96 Workaholism 96 Understanding Why People Don’t Know What to Expect from Sex 97 Deflating Five Common Sex Myths 98 Men are more interested in sex than are women 99 Married people don’t (or shouldn’t) masturbate 100 Foreplay is a separate part of the sexual experience 100 There’s a difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasms 101 Sex fades as a couple ages 102 Chapter 7: When Sex Falters 105 Recognizing Potential Blocks to Sexual Pleasure 105 Understanding the Causes and Treatments of Sexual Dysfunction 107 Problems with sexual desire 108 Problems with sexual arousal 110 Problems reaching orgasm 113 Finding the Right Kind of Professional Help 117 Part IV: Examining the Marriage Life Cycle 119 Chapter 8: The First Years of Marriage 121 The New Most Important Person in Your Life 121 Negotiating family loyalties 122 Setting boundaries with both your families 125 Understanding the Shifting Role of Friends 127 Negotiating opposite-sex friendships 129 Developing friendships with other couples 130 Coming to Terms with Changes in Sexual Chemistry 132 Adjusting to Each Other’s Rhythms and Quirks 133 Pinpointing Early Marriage Danger Zones 136 Chapter 9: The Growing Family 139 Deciding Whether You’re Ready for Children 139 Choosing when to have a child 140 What if you and your spouse can’t agree about having children 141 Getting Ready for the Financial Hit 142 Understanding the Emotional Impact 144 Balancing Career and Family 146 Resolving the Childcare Dilemma 148 Considering alternate work styles 149 Dividing parental responsibilities 150 Deciding to Have a Second Child 152 Marriage without Kids 154 Chapter 10: Women and Men at Midlife 157 Recognizing the First Stirrings of Middle Age 157 Meeting the Challenges of Your “Second Adulthood” 161 Evaluating your personal satisfaction 162 Evaluating your satisfaction with family-planning choices 164 Evaluating your career satisfaction 165 Understanding Men’s Midlife Concerns 167 Understanding a Woman’s Emotional Changes at Midlife 169 Understanding a Woman’s Physical Changes at Midlife 171 Chapter 11: Making the Most of Marriage at Midlife 175 Evaluating Your Marriage at Midlife 176 Becoming a Couple Again after Children Grow Up 178 Redesigning Your Marriage 180 Caring for Aging Parents 181 Planning for Retirement 184 Chapter 12: Remarriage and Stepfamilies 189 Understanding the Emotions of Remarrying 189 Remarrying after the death of a spouse 190 Remarrying after a divorce 191 Making a Second Marriage Work 193 Understanding the Complex Issues That Stepfamilies Face 194 Understanding remarriage finances 195 Forming a new family unit 196 My children, your children, our children 199 Part V: Maintaining a Healthy Marriage 203 Chapter 13: Reducing the Stress on Your Marriage 205 Understanding Negative and Positive Stress 206 Dealing with Your Own Stressors 206 Keeping Stress from Undermining Your Marriage 209 Dealing with Stress in the “Red Zone” 212 Understanding the Connection Between Stress and Control 214 Assessing the Impact of Stress on Your Marriage 215 Chapter 14: Exploring the Role of Money in Marriage 219 Recognizing How You and Your Partner Deal with Money 219 Recognizing How Money Problems Can Threaten Your Marriage 222 Understanding what’s behind compulsive spending 223 Understanding what’s behind miserly behavior 224 Recognizing How Money Impacts the Balance of Power in Marriage 225 Understanding How a Flexible Marriage Protects Your Financial Future 228 Chapter 15: Examining Extramarital Affairs — and Knowing What to Do about Them 231 Understanding What an Affair Is — and Isn’t 232 Understanding Why (and When) Spouses Cheat 233 Danger zone 1: Shortly after the wedding 234 Danger zone 2: When a baby enters the family 235 Danger zone 3: The seven-year itch 237 Danger zone 4: The midlife marriage crisis 238 Understanding What to Do About a Cheating Spouse 241 Admitting Versus Denying Infidelity 244 Rebuilding a Marriage After an Affair 245 Chapter 16: Getting Outside Help 249 Recognizing Problems that Require Outside Help 249 Problem drinking 250 Drug abuse 251 Compulsive gambling 252 Domestic violence 253 Unresolved grief 254 Depression 255 When a child has a serious physical or emotional problem 256 When the two of you are unable to resolve differences 257 When one or both of you has decided to seek a divorce 257 Finding the Right Kind of Outside Help 258 Deflating Six Common Therapy Myths 261 One school of therapy is better than another 262 Successful therapy has more to do with the therapist than the client 262 A therapist’s job is to make you feel good 262 A therapist is supposed to champion your cause 263 A therapist’s views and values don’t matter 264 The goal of therapy is to solve all your problems 264 Chapter 17: Understanding Divorce and Its Alternatives 267 Deciding if Your Marriage Is Worth Saving 267 Evaluating your investment in the marriage 269 Understanding the impact of divorce on children 272 Winning Back Your Mate 275 Reframing Your View of a Flawed Marriage 277 Creating the Kind of Marriage That Works Best for You 279 Agree to live as friends or compatible roommates 279 Make family your main priority 280 Recast your marriage as a business partnership 280 Have a low-risk extramarital affair 281 Recognizing When Divorce Is Your Best Option 281 Part VI: The Part of Tens 283 Chapter 18: Ten Ways to Make Your Marriage More Romantic 285 Pay Attention to Your Appearance 285 Show Your Love Every Day 286 Use Words of Love 286 Use a Gentle Touch 287 Make Time to Be Alone Together 287 Do All of the Traditional Things — Even if They Seem Corny 288 Do Something Out of the Ordinary 289 Play and Laugh Together 290 Revisit Your Shared History 291 Chapter 19: Ten Things You Should Never Say to Your Partner 293 “You Never” or “You Always” 293 “Yes, But ” 294 “It’s All Your Fault” 295 “Are You Getting Fat?” 295 “That’s Not My Job” 296 “Why Can’t You Be More Like ?” 297 “I’ll Try” 297 “Forget It, I Don’t Want to Fight” 298 “I’m Getting a Divorce” 298 Chapter 20: Ten Ways To Have a Fair Fight 301 Understand What’s Really Going On 301 Stick to the Issues 302 Listen Beyond the Literal Words 302 Look at Both Sides 303 Look for Ways to Bend without Breaking 303 Use Strategic Timing 304 Don’t Garbage-Bag 304 Don’t Go for the Jugular 305 Don’t Take the Moral High Ground 305 Make Sure Both of You Can Live with the Outcome 305 Chapter 21: Ten Signs That Your Marriage Is in Trouble 307 One Spouse Is Physically Violent 308 One Spouse Is Verbally Abusive 308 One Spouse Is Abusing Alcohol or Drugs 308 One Spouse Has a Problem with Compulsive Gambling or Compulsive Spending 309 One Spouse Is a Workaholic 310 One Spouse Is Having an Affair 310 One Spouse Is Depressed 311 The Two of You Disagree About Having Children 312 You and Your Partner Have Stopped Having Sex 313 You and Your Partner No Longer Enjoy Being Together 314 Chapter 22: Ten Ways to Have a More Exciting Sex Life 315 Make Sexual Contact Part of Your Everyday Life 315 Expand Your Sexual Horizons 316 Tell and Show Each Other What Pleases You 317 Unleash the Power of Fantasy 318 Take Advantage of Pornography 318 Make Special Time for Sex 319 Become an Artful Kisser 319 Don’t Focus Just on the Orgasm 320 Talk Sexy 320 Have Sex With Someone You Love — Yourself! 321 Appendix A: References 323 Chapter 1 323 Chapter 2 323 Chapter 4 323 Chapter 5 324 Chapter 6 324 Chapter 7 325 Chapter 8 325 Chapter 9 326 Chapter 10 326 Chapter 11 326 Chapter 12 327 Chapter 13 328 Chapter 14 328 Chapter 15 328 Chapter 16 329 Chapter 17 329 Chapter 22 329 Sources of Quotations 330 Bibliography 330 Appendix B: Resources 335 Premarital Counseling 335 Therapy and Counseling 335 Infertility and Adoption 336 Sexual Difficulties 336 Stress 337 Retirement 337 Mental Illness 337 Alcoholism and Other Addictive Behaviors 337 Domestic Abuse 338 Divorce 338 Index 341

Autorenportrait

Steven Simring, M.D., M.P.H., and Sue Klavans Simring, D.S.W., are experienced lecturers and psychotherapists who have appeared regularly on The Oprah Winfrey Show and The Montel Williams Show. Gene Busnar is a freelance writer.

Back cover copy

"The premier therapist team in the country — husband-and-wife therapists Dr. Steve and Sue Simring" — Montel Williams Features useful tools and techniques to keep communication strong! With proven strategies for managing money, sex, and the in-laws! Filled with ideas you can use now to build on that day you took your vows! Drawing on their own experience, including thirty years of marriage, three children, and decades of couples counseling, expert authors Steven and Sue Simring show you how to build a strong, happy, and long-lasting marriage — and explain how to deal constructively with any problems along the way. Discover how to: Keep your marriage strong Spice up your sex life Develop conflict-resolution skills Cope with midlife change Find alternatives to divorce Succeed with remarriage Get smart! www.dummies.com Register to win cool prizes Browse exclusive articles and excerpts Get a free Dummies Daily™ e-mail newsletter Chat with authors and preview other books Talk to us, ask questions, get answers