The Simpton’s brand management team started to arrive at 9am, with punctuality seemingly inversely proportional to level of seniority. First in was Shelly, the brand ‘minder’, who was carrying a well-thumbed copy of Hello! in one hand and a Starbucks caramel frappuccino in the other. Next in was the brand assistant, Brian Adams, who bore no resemblance whatsoever to the singer. He was tall and gangly like a basketball player and sported black-rimmed glasses. He shyly said hello before sitting down in front of the biggest computer screen I’d ever seen. My brand manager, Jane Lovelock, came rushing in at 9.30am, sucking up files, papers and pizza boxes from her desk like a tornado, a Mont Blanc pen gripped tightly between her teeth. She violently nodded her welcome before rushing off again. And then, on the stroke of 10am, entered my new boss, Hugo Gaines. He sported the same shaven head and black polo neck as Marcus, and looked like he would be more at home in a trendy advertising agency than a sausage company. Seems he and Marcus have known each other since studying together at Oxford. Absolutely flipping fabulous. With a furrowed brow, and not even the slightest hint of irony, Hugo welcomed me onto the ‘white-knuckle ride that was the transformation of Simpton’s into a truly iconic brand of the 21st century’. I thought about mentioning the fact that we were lagging behind Micky D’s, KFC and Imodium in the Superbrand table, but bit my tongue. Hugo announced in his plummy voice that the key task for the day was an in-depth brand briefing lunch up in London at his club, Soho House.

I was surprised to see that Hugo signed in at Soho House as Creative Director of the Hugbrands agency. Seems you can’t become a member if you’re in charge of marketing sausages. Lunch only served to darken my already gloomy mood, and when the waiter came to take my order I felt like asking for a translator. Hugo had obviously digested all of Strategic Branding and many other management books, as he spewed out sentence after sentence of unintelligible brand-speak.

In a nutshell, I think Hugo’s strategy boils down to two things, or ‘strategic thrusts’ as he called them. First, we’re going to ‘leverage and stretch the brand’ by launching a range of new sausage pizzas. The pizzas will use Italian sausages such as salami and chorizo, rather than traditional British ones. Second, we’re going to ‘re-brand’ Simpton’s with a new ‘identity’ developed by one of London’s trendiest design agencies, which I think means a new logo. This would be announced with a fanfare by a mould-breaking new advertising campaign being created by one of London’s trendiest communication agencies. When I asked if this wasn’t a bit radical for a brand built on being the best British banger, Hugo almost choked on his third glass of Chilean Chardonnay. He explained that we had to ‘jettison this brand baggage so we could take the brand into the 21st century’.

After lunch Hugo left for an important meeting at the agency, so I took the train back to the office by myself and thought about Hugo’s strategy. I found it strange that it made no mention at all of the basic product itself. Indeed, the post of Brand Director on the core sausage business was vacant. The other thing missing from my briefing was any mention of the business itself. I knew from my work in sales that the brand was on the rocks, but had expected an in-depth analysis of where the problem areas were. Made a mental note to email Brian for some data on sales and profitability.