Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
Praise
SUMO Appreciation
Introduction
Welcome to Part One
SUMO Reality Number One - Reality Rules
The reality of dealing with people
Hope does exist
Here are some realities to be aware of
The most important reality of all - it takes two to tango
Experience counts
Your SUMO takeaway
SUMO Reality Number Two
You’re not Pavlov’s dog
You’ve got the power
So why don’t we always change how we respond?
It’s worth remembering
Your SUMO takeaway
SUMO Reality Number Three - A Bit About the Beachball
The beachball explained
What influences people’s perspectives?
Gender shapes our perspective
More than two sides of the beachball
Your SUMO takeaway
SUMO Reality Number Four - Stress Makes You Stupid
Myths about stress
When stress makes you stupid
Let’s get rational
Why Hippo Time is helpful
SUMO takeaway
SUMO Reality Number Five - Investment Pays
Meaningless motivation
SUMO pit stop
Beware the boiled frog syndrome
Make a date
Remember your stars (and the people closest to you)
Your SUMO takeaway
SUMO Reality Number Six - Give Yourself the VIP Treatment
It’s your thoughts that count
Insecure or steady and stable?
SUMO pit stop
How to be OK with yourself
SUMO pit stop
Remember your responsibilities
Your SUMO takeaway
SUMO Reality Number Seven - Beware of Light Bulbs
How to spot a light bulb
A genuine light bulb or just a fake?
Why fake it?
SUMO pit stop
Your SUMO takeaway
Welcome to Part Two
A special note about the SUMO characters
SUMO Insight Number One - Arouse Your Attitude
Remember the see-saw
SUMO takeaway
Why you may want to strangle a ditherer
A ditherer in conversation in the workplace
A ditherer in conversation outside the workplace
The impact of a ditherer
The ditherer’s side of the beachball
Can it ever be helpful to be a ditherer?
How to handle not strangle a ditherer
Handling the ditherer in yourself
SUMO Insight Number Two - Humility Helps
Humility in practice
Your SUMO takeaway
Why you may want to strangle a commander
A commander in conversation in the workplace
A commander in conversation outside the workplace
The impact of a commander
The commander’s side of the beachball
Can it ever be helpful to be a commander?
How to handle not strangle a commander
Handling the commander in yourself
SUMO Insight Number Three - Listen Loud
The challenges of being a good listener
How to Listen Loud
Your SUMO takeaway
Why you may want to strangle a hijacker
An ‘I can top that’ hijacker in conversation
A ‘problem-solving’ hijacker’ in conversation
A ‘mind-reading’ hijacker in conversation
The impact of a hijacker
The hijacker’s side of the beachball
Can it ever be helpful to be a hijacker?
How to handle not strangle a hijacker
Handling the hijacker in yourself
SUMO Insight Number Four - Excel In Encouragement
Words, wonderful words
What stops us encouraging more often?
So what can you do to encourage others?
When others take your credit
SUMO takeaway
Why you may want to strangle an awfuliser
An awfuliser in conversation in the workplace
An awfuliser in conversation outside the workplace
The impact of an awfuliser
The awfuliser’s side of the beachball
Can it ever be helpful to be an awfuliser?
How to handle not strangle an awfuliser
Handling the awfuliser in yourself
Sumo Insight Number Five - Express Your Expectations
Understand others’ expectations
Have realistic expectations
Express yourself
SUMO pit stop
SUMO takeaway
Why you may want to strangle a happy
A happy in conversation in the workplace
A happy in conversation outside the workplace
The impact of a happy
The happy’s side of the beachball
Can it ever be helpful to be a happy?
How to handle not strangle a happy
How to handle the happy in yourself
SUMO pit stop
SUMO Insight Number Six - Positivity Pays
So why do we focus on the negative?
SUMO pit stop
Create positive impressions
SUMO pit stop
Positive impressions at work
Your SUMO takeaway
Why you may want to strangle a whinger
A whinger in conversation in the workplace
A whinger in conversation outside the workplace
The impact of a whinger
The whinger’s side of the beachball
Can it ever be helpful to be a whinger?
How to handle not strangle a whinger
How to handle the whinger in yourself
SUMO pit stop
SUMO Insight Number Seven - Confront With Care
Let sleeping dogs lie
SUMO pit stop
Confronting with care
SUMO pit stop
SUMO pit stop
SUMO takeaway
Why you may want to strangle a swinger
A swinger in conversation
The impact of a swinger
SUMO pit stop
The swinger’s side of the beachball
Can it ever be helpful to be a swinger?
How to handle not strangle a swinger
Handling the swinger in yourself
SUMO pit stop
SUMO Into Action
Personal Postscript
What Was Your SUMO Takeaway?
Bring the SUMO Guy to Your Organisation
Appendix A - Overview of the Six SUMO Principles
Appendix B - The Seven SUMO Questions
Index
‘He who gets wisdom loves his own soul; he who cherishes understanding prospers’
The Book of Proverbs:
Chapter 19 verse 8
SUMO Appreciation
The great thing about writing a book is the opportunity it provides to put into print your appreciation for countless people - so here goes.
Firstly, to my wise friend and mentor, Mr Sandham. Your humour, insight and honesty have been my bedrock for so many years - cheers bud - where would I be without you?
Secondly, I’d like to thank my family. Mum, you’re an inspiration and you’ve taught me so much about the art of dealing with people. Dad, I guess my desire to tell stories and make people laugh is down to you - I just hope I’ve got better hearing than you when I’m older! Andy, my brother - we’ve shared a lot together - thanks for showing me above all the power and importance of listening. Thankfully though, I learnt my time management and organisational skills elsewhere.
Matt and Ruth - you make me immensely proud. Hopefully with the education and insights I’ve given you both, you’ll also make me immensely rich one day. Seriously though - thanks for coping with my imperfections and complete lack of technical ability or sense of direction - you’ve got a lot to thank your Mum for.
As for Helen, my wife of nearly twenty years - what can I say? Quite a lot actually, as you well know. But I’ll be brief for once. I’m not sure if I agree with Forrest Gump or not - life to me seems more like a roller coaster than a box of chocolates - I’m just so glad that my best mate has been with me for the ride. Thanks Babes.
Thirdly, I’d like to thank the people who took time to read through this book in its draft stage. Paul Sandham, Tom Palmer, Jeanie Donnell-Jones and Gail Bohin, your insights were invaluable - you challenged and stretched me and this book is richer because of your support. You’re all stars.
Fiona Griffiths, you’re a brilliant illustrator and an absolute joy to work with. I admire both your creativity and persistence in developing the SUMO characters - you always deliver. Thank you.
And finally thanks to the team at Capstone - John, Iain, Kate, Scott, Grace and Felicity - just make sure this book becomes a bestseller - and I guarantee you VIP tickets at Bradford City.
With appreciation,
Paul - The SUMO Guy
Introduction
It’s said that money makes the world go round. That might be the case, but so do relationships.
Those of us living in the 21st century are likely to meet more people in one day than most people living in medieval times met in a lifetime. Admittedly, some of those encounters may be quite brief and superficial and probably don’t deserve to be referred to as a relationship. For instance, I’m on nodding terms with a couple of people who serve me at the Post Office, but I would hesitate to use the term ‘relationship’ as a way of describing what goes on between us (even though Deirdre does give me my book of first class stamps with a certain twinkle in her eye). However, what begins as a brief encounter with someone may lead to something long term. (Not with you though, Deirdre.)
It’s these longer term encounters that I want to focus on in this book. And I want to attempt what few books on this subject normally do - focus on relationships both in and outside the workplace. In my experience, both are crucial and our sense of fulfilment and happiness are inextricably linked to the quality of these relationships. Performance at work can be hindered or enhanced by how well we relate to a boss, colleague or customer. And in your personal life, the source of great joy or sorrow usually stems from your relationships with those closest to you.
What if you’re feeling fairly satisfied with the quality of your relationships at the moment? Great. Congratulations. But join me anyway. Personally when it comes to dealing with people, I’m up for any help I can get, even if the journey so far has been going relatively well. In my experience, the ride isn’t always smooth and sometimes we’re not aware of what’s around the corner.
But maybe you have been drawn to this book because you want to learn how to avoid strangling the people in your life. Okay, the word ‘strangle’ is perhaps a little extreme, but you get my point. Let me manage your expectations. I’m not promising you quick, superficial answers. And please be clear on this - your relationships won’t improve because you’ve read this book. That will only happen when you start to apply and engage with the insights that are relevant to you. I’m talking about a partnership here, not a passive experience of reading some words on a page and then forgetting all about it.
This is serious stuff. Purely on a commercial level, this book could be worth thousands to you. Clients, customers and staff are all won and lost based around how good or bad we are at relating to each other. If that’s what you gain from this book, then I’m happy for you. But I believe you could gain some insights that you’ll struggle to put a monetary value on - but which will be priceless. Perhaps a marriage that seemed dead will be resurrected or a wounded relationship with a loved one may see the healing process begin. Maybe rather than saying ‘I don’t know what’s got into him or her recently’, you’ll begin to find new ways of understanding others.
And at this point, let me clarify something regarding the title of this book - SUMO Your Relationships. The phrase SUMO - Shut Up, Move On - is sometimes misunderstood as it can sound rather aggressive to some people. Well, if you’ve read my previous book, SUMO - Shut Up, Move On, you’ll understand what is at the very heart of the SUMO message. If not:
The phrase SUMO is split into two parts. ‘Shut Up’ means to take time out, to be quiet, to do some reflecting. We do so many things on auto pilot, i.e. without consciously thinking about what we’re doing. Life is busy. People are in a hurry. We want everything now. The only thing is, we don’t always take time to decide what we really want. This book gives you the chance to do so in terms of the relationships in your life. Appendix A gives a brief overview of the ‘Six SUMO Principles’ covered in my previous book and how they relate to this whole subject of relationships.
Unlike many books that explore how to deal with other people, I’ll also be challenging you to examine yourself and reflect on your own behaviour and attitudes. Hard as it might be to imagine, it’s just possible that someone bought this book with you in mind.
To help this process and to encourage you to stop and think, I include sections called ‘SUMO pit stop’s. Just like in a Formula One motor race, I’m encouraging you to leave the circuit temporarily in order that you’re in a better position to complete it. It’s an opportunity to refuel and perhaps, just as race conditions change and necessary adjustments need to be made, the SUMO pit stops provide you with an opportunity to consider what adjustments you need to make in order to improve your relationships.
However, I don’t want to take the analogy too far. Life is not a race. It’s not about winners or losers. I’m not encouraging you to view life as some competition where you’re trying to get ahead of others. My approach is that we all learn or perhaps re-learn some ideas that enhance our relationships and ultimately make winners of us all.
And in case you’re wondering - the ‘Move On’ part of SUMO is not another way of saying ‘move out’ or ‘move away’. It’s not a call to give up on people, or move on to a different relationship - that’s not the essence of the ‘move on’ message. But although it’s not the essence, it can sometimes be the reality. There may be occasions when it seems our only option is to literally let go and ‘move on’ - but I’m encouraging you to see this as your final option, not your first. Too often I feel I look for the quick way out. It’s the easy option - but ‘easy’ doesn’t always mean ‘best’. As we’ll see, improving relationships takes time, but - as I’ve seen from my own experience - it’s time worth taking.
The ‘Move On’ message of SUMO is above all about hope. You can move on and things can change. You don’t have to accept the current state of your relationships. The future can be different - if you want it to be.
Am I an eternal optimist? No. I’m realistic enough to recognise that things don’t always move on in the way we would want. As I write, a close friend of mine has started divorce proceedings. Her marriage is now over, almost before it had begun. Her pain is tangible. The ending of her relationship is not by ‘mutual agreement’. It’s a story that will be echoed by many.
Equally, the workplace contains people so disaffected by their work that there seems little hope of change. But I remain an optimistic realist. I don’t accept that such scenarios - although common - are always inevitable. Change can happen, but we may need a few more tools to help turn hopes into realities.
In writing this book and reflecting on my own character, I asked myself the question, ‘Flawed, Fraud or Faithful?’ My answer? All three.
To be honest, I do believe I’m flawed - in fact, I believe we all are to some extent. And yes I do sometimes feel a fraud as I fail to always practice what I preach. But when I’m being kinder to myself I also know that there are times when I’m being faithful to the values and principles I hold dear.
I guess this view of myself is a struggle many of us battle with - particularly in the context of our relationships. But I’m comforted by the words of the author and journalist Philip Yancey who wrote, ‘We are all in peril if the flawed messenger invalidates the message.’ I sincerely hope my own personal failings don’t undermine the power of the message.
And as for my message, my close friend and mentor Paul Sandham said to me recently, ‘If you haven’t lived it or breathed it, don’t write it.’ I can assure you, I’ve taken on board his advice - you’ll be reading plenty about my own personal encounters with people.
I think we all experience highs and lows in our relationships - I certainly have. But here’s my perspective on what has made my own personal journey a little less bumpy than it might have been. It’s based upon over twenty years of research, but perhaps more importantly, over forty years of life experience.
So determine, as you read this book, to learn from my mistakes as well as from my successes and work at making your journey and that of others, a little more comfortable as a result.
Enjoy the ride
Paul McGee - The SUMO Guy
P.S. If this book belongs to you (as opposed to being borrowed), you’ll find the following helpful. To get the most from your read, have a pen, pencil or highlighter to hand. You’ll be asked to reflect on a number of questions throughout the book, and I think on occasions you’ll find it invaluable to write down your thoughts. There will also be certain stories or phrases that you come across and won’t want to forget. I suggest you highlight them. Reading this book is about making a difference to your relationships, not about seeing how pristine you can keep the pages. But if you really can’t bring yourself to do this, then please at least have a note book to hand whilst you’re reading.
Welcome to Part One
In the first part of the book, we’ll be focusing on Seven SUMO Realities. As the title suggests, there are some realities and basic assumptions about life and relationships that we need to be aware of. We’re not dealing with people in isolation or in a vacuum - there’s a variety of factors that interplay and connect with each other which we need to explore. Once we’ve done that, we can go on to learn more about relating more effectively to people.
If you’re going to get the most out of this book, I urge you not to race through this section - it’s packed with valuable insights that will help inform and illuminate the later material. When you’re building a house, you’ve got to make sure you build solid foundations and that they go deep enough - the same is true with relationships. The Seven SUMO Realities are the foundations for the rest of the book.
Right, well, if you’re sitting comfortably, let’s begin with the first SUMO Reality.
SUMO Reality Number One
Reality Rules
The reality of dealing with people
When it comes to operating machinery I’m no expert. If there’s something wrong with my car, I’ll open the bonnet with some vague misplaced notion that by doing so, the problem will in some magical way resolve itself. It never does. But if I had the time and inclination I guess I could read a manual and perhaps with a little help be able to fix the odd minor problem. (Indeed, after years of coaching and support I have learnt how to refill my windscreen washer bottle.) As for the more major tasks, a visit to the garage will normally suffice. The garage has both the equipment and expertise to carry out the work. And if the car is beyond repair? Simple - write it off and sell it for scrap.
This is all well and good when dealing with cars, but it’s not quite that simple when it comes to dealing with people problems.
People are different. Relationships are complex. Although there are hundreds of books on the subject of relationships, there is no definitive guide on how best to manage them. Follow three simple steps on changing your spark plugs and, hey presto, it’s sorted out. Follow three simple steps on how to deal with people and the outcome is less certain. There are dozens of different makes of car on the planet - but there are over six billion people. And despite our many similarities, each person is a unique individual. An effective approach on how to deal with a colleague at work or your partner at home may bring about positive results on Tuesday, but try the same approach on Thursday and stand back and watch the sparks fly. Enthusiasm and receptiveness one day: resentment and resistance the next.
Why?
Well, we’re about to explore some of the multitude of reasons why people respond the way they do to situations. The key is to remember that although there will be lots of ideas and insights to help you build better relationships with others, this is not a quick fix manual. Reality rules. Events will happen that you hadn’t expected. You’ll respond to a person in a way you hadn’t planned. Minor problems will escalate into major ones and you’ll be left wondering, ‘Where did it all go wrong?’
Welcome to life - a mixture of joy, excitement, the ordinary, the unusual, sadness, happiness, dreams, despair, success, setbacks - and all these experiences involve people. You see, there is no simple three step formula guaranteed to succeed every time. No magic cure. The perfect relationship doesn’t exist. Reality rules.
How many people do you know who have successfully completed the course ‘How to lose friends and alienate people’?
Hope does exist
However, in the midst of the reality of our circumstances, new possibilities also exist. Things can change. Tomorrow can be different from today. Yes things can get worse, but they can also improve. Some ‘realities’ are not, in fact, permanent. They exist due to poor choices, a lack of awareness, a breakdown in communication - and the good news is all these can change.
I may not be able to change the past, but I can influence the present and in doing so, create a more positive future.
So before we delve into some of the insights and strategies that can help us, let’s remind ourselves of some of the realities we need to be aware of when dealing with relationships.
Here are some realities to be aware of
• Things in people’s past (that neither they or you may be aware of) will influence their current behaviour.
Which means that … you may never discover the root cause of the behaviour, but you will be aware of its current impact.
• People’s emotions fluctuate - sometimes for reasons that are not obvious.
Which means that … people do not respond consistently to situations.
• Not everyone is blessed with ‘emotional intelligence’ (see the work of Daniel Goleman).
Which means that … whereas some people seem naturally gifted in developing interpersonal relationships with others, some find this a huge challenge. What is common sense to one person could feel very unnatural to someone else.
• Some people lack self awareness. They don’t reflect on their own behaviour or understand the impact their emotions have upon them. They fail to recognise their strengths and weaknesses or the impact their behaviour has on others.
Which means that … some of the most challenging people you live or work with are blissfully unaware of the impact they’re having on you.
• We see in others the faults most prevalent in ourselves.
Which means that … we need to resolve issues with ourselves before we can resolve them with others.
• Titles don’t equate to talent. Just because your job title is ‘Manager’ doesn’t mean you can manage people.
Which means that … it’s what happens in practice rather than what’s stated on paper that gives a true reflection of your ability to deal with people.
The most important reality of all - it takes two to tango
When it comes to dealing with what we may perceive as difficult people, the temptation can often be to focus on how we can fix the other person. Perhaps in our eyes they are solely responsible for the challenges we’re facing - change them and you fix the problem. Wrong. The reality is usually very different. As they say, ‘It takes two to tango.’ If you’re experiencing difficulties in any kind of relationship, the blame or problem is not solely with one party. I’m not suggesting there is equal responsibility, but we delude ourselves if we believe we are the completely innocent party. That’s what we’ll be focusing on throughout this book - the problems are not with ‘them’ - they’re with ‘us’. Recognise this reality and you’re more likely to improve your relationships.
The personal stuff
I can relate to the reality ‘we see in others the faults most prevalent in ourselves’. Ouch. Untidiness and collecting clutter seem to be talents I was born with. The phrase ‘a place for everything and everything in its place’ is a total anathema to me. And yet I detest with a passion clutter and untidiness. I work hard at overcoming my own weakness in this area, and over the years have achieved some minor victories - but it remains an ongoing battle. It’s a trait within my personality that I struggle with. Interestingly, the ‘untidiness and collecting clutter gene’ is also prevalent in my wife, Helen, and daughter, Ruth. But unlike me they seem reasonably comfortable living life with it. Their tolerance to domestic chaos (as I perceive it) is far higher than my own. What I dislike within myself I also see so clearly within Helen and Ruth. It’s been a source of stress to me which has lead to some fall-outs - I’ve not always responded appropriately. I guess the frustrations I have with myself in this area are then projected onto two people who are very close and very special to me. Bizarre, isn’t it? But can you identify with my behaviour?
The work stuff
I was asked recently to spend some time coaching a newly promoted manager who was struggling to interact constructively with her team. Susan’s emails were abrupt and considered aggressive by those receiving them. She struggled to maintain eye contact when talking to you. It never occurred to Susan to engage with people at a social level. She even felt that asking someone ‘How was your weekend?’ was intrusive. If a member of staff was performing poorly, her approach was either to ignore the problem or to confront the person publicly in the full view of other colleagues.
She confessed, ‘I don’t really like people much’, and yet her knowledge of the job (which involved analysing and interpreting data) was exceptional.
Although I was happy to provide some ideas and strategies to help Susan, I felt this was a clear example of ‘Reality Rules’. Susan was simply not ‘wired’ to engage with people at a level that others would consider normal. Could she improve? Yes. Would it be worth all the time and effort to do so? Probably not. Susan was brilliant with figures, but awful with people.
I advised her manager to create a new role for Susan that didn’t involve her having to manage people. She flourished in her new role as Technical Consultant and her team responded brilliantly to her replacement - a manager with less technical expertise, but with high levels of emotional intelligence.
Some people have the social skills of Genghis Khan.
Experience counts
Even though I believe I have some natural skills when dealing with people, a lack of experience and the innocence of youth brings with it its own realities, as the following illustrates:
The work stuff
It was my big day. Finally I got to manage a team - thirty women who were working on the beefburger line in a frozen food factory. I’d spent four years at university. My degree involved studying psychology. I’d trained to be a probation officer and dealt with a number of young offenders - I was qualified and I was prepared. Managing thirty women would, I thought, be quite straightforward. I was 24 years old, had just completed my two-week induction programme and I was ready. This would be easy.
I was wrong. Very wrong. During my first week, they convinced me that. in order to leave work on time. they’d have to finish five minutes early in order to collect their coats from the cloakroom - which was a five minute walk from the production line.
My first experience managing a team was not a stunning success. The reality was, my academic background had not prepared me in the way I had hoped - qualifications were not the same as wisdom, commonsense and experience. After a week, I felt ready to quit. I was in at the deep end and I was struggling to stay afloat. I needed help. I learnt you cannot cram twenty years of experience into a two-week training programme. Reality rules.
SUMO pit stop
• Think about two key people in your work life and two in your personal life with whom you’d like to improve your relationship. Review the list ‘Realities to be aware of’. Which of these is most helpful in understanding some of the key people in your life? Are your expectations of these people realistic?
• Reflect on the reality of ‘It takes two to tango.’ In what ways may your behaviour be contributing to some of your relationship challenges? Which realities about yourself do you need to be aware of?
Your SUMO takeaway
The context of our relationship challenges is that reality rules - people are the most complex creatures on the planet. Emotions will at times overrule logic, our past does influence our present and conflict is, at times, inevitable.
Further realities we have to accept if we’re to avoid strangling people are:
• Some people lack common sense regarding relationships.
• People can be blissfully unaware of their impact on others.
• We see faults in others that we dislike within ourselves.
• It takes two to tango - relationship challenges are not down to one single person, we need to honestly examine our own contribution to the situation.
• Managing thirty women on the economy beefburger line is not easy.
Shut Up searching for superficial solutions to complex problems.
Move On to recognising Reality Rules.
My SUMO takeaway from ‘Reality Rules’ is …
SUMO Reality Number Two
Several years ago, Steve, a friend of mine lent me a set of tapes called Self Esteem and Peak Performance by Jack Canfield (now known by many for being the co-author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series). Listening to the tapes in the car, I was halfway through my journey when Canfield began to elaborate on the principle ‘E + R = O’. I admit that what he said might seem quite obvious, but his words had a profound impact upon me and it’s another important reality to be aware of:
‘It’s not the Event but how you Respond that determines the Outcome.’
And then it hit me. For years I’d mistakenly believed that the reasons for the outcomes in my life had nothing to do with me, but were merely down to the events and circumstances I’d experienced. So when it came to my relationships with others, there had been times when I was responding to other people’s behaviour by wearing the Victim T-Shirt (this is explained in Appendix A) - and not recognising that I had a choice in how I responded.
You’re not Pavlov’s dog
Ivan Pavlov (1849-1936) was a famous Russian scientist. He is perhaps best known for an experiment he conducted with dogs and which was rather originally called ‘Pavlov’s Dog Experiment’. From what I can gather (the experiments took place in the early part of the 20th century, so I’m not talking from first-hand experience), Ivan Pavlov noticed how much his dogs salivated when he was about to feed them. This gave him an idea. He decided to ring a bell just before he fed the dogs and to repeatedly do this over a period of days. Every time he rang the bell, he would then feed the dogs.
Then came the next part of his experiment. He decided to ring the bell and not feed the dogs. The bell rang. The dogs salivated. There was no food.
He repeated this over a period of days (some say he had a slightly cruel streak), ringing the bell and observing the dogs’ reactions. Despite the fact that the dogs were never fed after the ringing of the bell, they continued to salivate (or dribble, as one of my delegates put it when describing the experiment to colleagues). The experiment helped Pavlov develop the theory of conditioned response. In this case, the bell was the stimulus and the saliva was the response.
So what has this got to do with your relationship with your boss, partner or children? Or your dog? Well, sometimes we behave in a way that closely resembles Ivan Pavlov’s dogs. Let me explain. In our case, the stimulus might not be a bell, but perhaps a comment. For example:
• ‘Have you put on weight?’
or
• ‘Wanting to get in the boss’s good books, eh?’
Or maybe it’s to do with how people behave towards you. A supplier fails to return a call, a neighbour ignores you in the street or you open a door for someone and they fail to thank you.
All of the above are stimuli, or in Canfield’s language, Events. But unlike Pavlov’s dogs, who became conditioned to respond in a certain way, we can choose how we respond. Obvious? Perhaps. But as I drove to work listening to the E + R = O concept being explained, I realised that up until that point, I’d failed to realise this important truth.
The work stuff
I was sharing the ideas of E + R = O with a group of sales managers. I asked them to tell me about an ‘event’ that invariably wound them up. The group of twelve (eleven men and one women) all identified the driving antics of other road users to be a major source of stress. In particular, the behaviour known as ‘tailgaiting’, whereby one driver deliberately drives extremely close to the car in front of them, in an attempt to force it to move over into a different lane, the assumption being that the car in front is driving too slowly and needs to make way. Their frustration came from the fact that this often occurred when they were driving in the fast lane and were driving at the speed limit. I asked how they tended to respond in such situations.
Just thinking about being tailgaited seemed to raise the energy levels in the room. The group’s responses were animated.
• ‘I brake when that happens.’ (Now there’s a mature, adult response.)
• ‘Oh, I usually make a sign with my fingers that leaves them in no doubt what I think.’ (This mature professional sales manager then demonstrated a couple of alternative ‘hand signals’, much to the group’s roar of approving laughter.)
ero