001

Table of Contents
 
Praise
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
 
Sir Jimmy Savile OBE
Mr Damien Hirst
Mr Huw Edwards
Michael Jackson
Mr Michael D Jackson
Mr Des O’Connor
Mr Rod Stewart
Mr Brian Blessed
To: Professor Lord Robert M Winston
To: Professor Lord Robert M Winston
Mr Nick Baker (wildlife expert)
Sir Patrick Moore
Sir Patrick Moore CBE, FRS
Sir Patrick Moore CBE, FRS
Sir Patrick Moore CBE, FRS
Mr Noel Edmonds
Mr Michael Flatley
Ms Sophie Ellis-Bextor
The Private Bill Office
Mr Julian Henby
Mr Hugh Grant
Mr George W Bush
Mr Bill Oddie
Mr Richard Briers
Mr Richard Briers
Professor David Bellamy O.B.E.
To: Mr Uri Geller
Rt. Hon. Mr John Major (former PM)
Mr Barry McGuigan (former boxer)
Ms Carol Vorderman MBE
Mr John Miles
Tom Baker (TV Actor)
To: Mr Frank Carson
Mr Jeremy Clarkson
Mr Nicholas Parsons
Ms Jean Diamond
Mr Des Lynam
Ms Kate Winslet
Baroness Margaret Thatcher
Mr Gary Lineker
Ms JK Rowling
Mr Joe Pasquale
Mr James Herbert
Mr James Herbert
Sir Anthony Hopkins
Master Beefeater
Ms Claire Ashford
Sir Paul McCartney
Mr Peter Duncan, Chief Scout
Ms Jeanne Greenyer ACC Diversity
Mrs Jeanne Greenyer ACC Diversity
Ms June Brown
Mr Brian Connolly
Mr Brian Connolly
Mr Michael Buerk
Mr Ian Hislop
Mr Gareth Gates
Sir Steve Redgrave
Mr Jools Holland, Patron
Michael Fish
Mr Matthew Kelly, President
Mr Sylvester McCoy
Mr Nick Ross
Miss Tara Palmer-Tomkinson
Sir Cliff Richard
Ms Emma Thompson
Ms Emma Thompson
Ms Victoria Wood
Mr Nigel Havers
Mr Nigel Havers
Mr Paul McKenna
Ms Edwina Currie
Mr Phillip Schofield
Mr Richard Stilgoe
Mr Richard Stilgoe
Mr Alan Davies
Ms Anneka Rice
Mr Keith Chegwin
Mr Adam Hart-Davis
Ms Joanna Lumley
Ms Joanna Lumley
Mr Brian May
Mr Richard Wilson
Mr Richard Wilson
Lulu
To: The King
King Elvis
 
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

‘Pick any letter at random—you’ll laugh every time’
—Tom Bowler
 
‘Cookin’
—Sue Chef
 
‘Side—splitting’
—Ben Dover
 
‘You’ll wet yourself laughing’
—I. P. Freely
 
‘Each letter is more outrageous than the last’
—Shirley Knot
 
‘The perfect stocking filler’
—Mary Krismass
 
‘Kept hiccupping in hysterics!’
—Pat McBak
 
‘Henby really wrapped the wool over their eyes!’
—Ivanna Nitt
 
‘This guy could get away with anything!’
—Laura Norder
 
‘A hoot’
—Gray Owl
 
‘A winning book’
—Jack Pott
 
‘Hilarious—I couldn’t stop crying!’
—Anita Tissue
 
‘Couldn’t put it down’
—Paige Turner
 
‘I applaud the stars for surviving Henby’s wit’
—Holly Wood

001

DEDICATION
 
To Mum
(who supported me in this project
even though she didn’t always approve)
 
To Dad
(who would have enjoyed my book
and who I wish was still around to do so)

Henby Family Free
002
003

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Many thanks to my friends the I.L. staff at Ernest Kleinwort Court who spent hours stuffing letters into envelopes. Apologies for the paper cuts but at least I supplied the sweat and tears.
 
Special thanks to my friend Lee Saunders for his contribution.
 
Thanks to my friends who read my early letters and encouraged me to continue.
 
Thank you to my brother Nicholas for the feedback that influenced the book to a great extent.
 
Sincere thanks go to everyone who replied to my letters. Without them this book would have been rather sad.
 
Finally, I wish to thank Robert Popper whose brilliant books inspired this one.
 
All proceeds go toward replacing the wall-padding in poor Dave’s bedroom.

Flat 12
Burgess Hill
West Sussex
29 November 2006
Sir Jimmy Savile OBE
Aylesbury
 
 
 
Dear Sir Jimmy
 
My brother (Dave) is convinced that he is you! The trigger for this delusion seems to have been his messy divorce last year. Ever since then Dave has been wearing lots of heavy, gold jewellery and a track suit. He never smoked before but he now gets through several luxury cigars each day. He has also taken to an intense regime of jogging each morning which the doctor says is not good for his heart, and the jewellery weighs him down too, straining his joints. He insists that he’s training for a marathon.
 
Dave has also started talking in a strange voice and makes a silly noise at the beginning of each sentence (which can be infuriating). He also keeps saying, ‘now then, now then, now then, jingle-jangle, jingle-jangle’ which irritates me immensely. Perhaps more worryingly, he has been threatened with the sack from the telephone call centre where he works if he doesn’t ‘snap out of it’.
 
The psychiatrist can’t seem to help much.
 
Do you know of anyone else suffering from this affliction (apart from yourself)? If so, what sort of treatment do they require?
 
Yours truly
004
Julian Henby
005
Flat 12
Burgess Hill
West Sussex
16 January 2007
 
Sir Jimmy Savile OBE
Aylesbury
 
 
 
Dear Sir Jimmy
 
Many thanks for kindly sending me a signed photo bearing the note that makes reference to my brother Dave. I am sorry to say that Dave’s condition has deteriorated in recent days and I blame myself.
 
My grave error was to give him the photo you sent me. My hope was that the picture would force him to face the truth: that he is not Sir Jimmy Savile. Instead, Dave now believes himself to be the mythical ‘Loch Ness Monster’. Over the past few days, Dave has been spending most of his time at the Sussex Yacht Club, snorkelling in the lake and scaring the sailors. Yesterday, he was nearly hit by a motorboat that had to swerve to avoid him, crashing instead into a yacht. Dave was arrested by the police and has now been banned from the Yacht Club premises.
 
Dave also insists that he is visible only when partially submerged in water. He is seeing the psychiatrist next week and we expect him to be admitted to hospital.
Many thanks for trying to help. It is now clear that Dave requires the full support of a psychiatric team.
 
Yours truly
006
Julian Henby
007

Flat 12
Burgess Hill
West Sussex
25 October 2006
Mr Damien Hirst
London
 
 
 
Dear Damien
 
Firstly, let me say that I am a huge fan of your artwork. I particularly enjoyed the piece for which you took three politicians, skinned them alive and placed them in a life-sized replica of the House of Commons. I am sure we would all like to strip away the façade of lies and half-truths behind which these people so often hide.
 
But, I must get to my point. For many years I have harboured a deep desire to be an artist and express myself through abstract representation. However, my school art teacher once forced me to eat a clay-sculpture I had made, accusing me of banality. The sculpture was of Barry White and it made rather a big meal. Since then I no longer have the stomach to produce anything artistic.
 
So, last week I made a momentous decision: If I can’t be an artist I will become the art itself! I admire your use of organic materials and I would like to offer you my own bodily organs for use in one of your pieces. I rarely seem to make much use of my toes (especially the smaller ones) so I would be willing to donate two from each foot. Similarly, I could do without two fingers from each hand. In addition, I have calculated that I could lose eight teeth without ruining my smile. One ear could be replaced by a prosthetic (although I require the other one for listening to my Meat Loaf CDs). I would like to preserve my sense of smell, but I could sacrifice one nostril for the sake of art. I agonised over whether to donate an eye, but eventually I decided not to - sorry Damien (you see, I am trying to persuade my fiancée Rebecca to live with me again, and she has always liked my eyes). That’s about all I can afford to donate apart from hair, one kidney, bodily fluids and, of course, my appendix.
I imagine you employ your own surgical team. However, I am able to save you this cost because my uncle used to be an orthopaedic surgeon before his license was revoked a few years ago; he has agreed to remove all parts to be donated (but I must send Mother on holiday first so we can use the bathroom).
 
Please let me know how you wish to obtain the materials - I can either drop them off or post them to you if you prefer. Also, are there any parts you do not want?
 
I look forward to being included in your exhibition. Please let me know the name of the piece comprising my body parts so I can come and see it.
 
Yours truly
008
Julian Henby
009

Flat 12
Burgess Hill
West Sussex
13 October 2006
Mr Huw Edwards
c/o BBC News
London W1A 1AA
 
 
 
Dear Mr Edwards
 
I write to you for help with a very delicate matter.
 
My fiancée (Rebecca) and I experienced some difficulties with our relationship in the spring of last year. Things seemed to come to a head when I deliberately started to eat bananas again after many years of abstinence, despite knowing this particular fruit provokes in me a very unpleasant allergic reaction. This was the final straw for Rebecca and she moved out of my flat.
 
Unable to cope on my own, I tracked Rebecca down to beg her to come home. I dragged a bag of my laundry to where she was living. All my clothes had changed colour in the wash and were ruined. I posted each garment through Rebecca’s letterbox and implored her to come back before my entire wardrobe was devastated!
 
Unfortunately, the police were summoned and I was arrested. And, to make matters worse, there was a court hearing that resulted in the worst possible ruling: I am not allowed contact of any kind with Rebecca.
 
I cannot risk further brushes with the law, but I must contact Rebecca before insanity takes hold. I therefore ask for your help.
 
At the end of a forthcoming edition of the 10 O’Clock (evening) News, please make the following announcement:
 
‘This is a message for Snugglebunny from Bananabum. I’m sorry and I need you back. I love you. Please phone my mobile.’
 
Rebecca never misses the 10 O’Clock News and I am confident she will understand the message. Hopefully, the average viewer will not even notice the announcement. Please let me know when the message will be broadcast.
 
Yours truly
010
Julian Henby
011

Flat 12
Burgess Hill
West Sussex
3 October 2006
Michael Jackson
London
EC1M
 
 
 
Dear Michael
 
I paid an agency quite a lot of money to find your address - I hope you don’t mind. I was surprised when it turned out to be a UK address instead of American, but I suppose a superstar like you probably has houses all over the world.
 
I am so excited to be in contact with you. I have been following you for the past nine years and I’m a huge fan of your work. I think you’re so talented.
 
Please could you send me a signed photo of yourself. I’ll be moonwalking all around town when I receive it.
 
Keep on thrilling us, Michael. You’re the greatest!
 
Yours truly
012
013
Julian Henby
 
 
 
MICHAEL D JACKSON
MARKETING MANAGER
 
London
United Kingdom
 
Flat 12
 
Burgess Hill
West Sussex
 
 
 
6 October 2006
 
 
Dear Julian,
 
Thank you for your letter of 3 October. I’m afraid that the agency you paid has come up with the wrong Michael Jackson!
 
I am a 33 year old marketing manager in an independent arts and heritage publishing company with the same name (although he’s Michael Joseph Jackson and I’m Michael David Jackson, so I’m not a perfect match), but alas none of the musical talent! I’ve attached my business card in case you want to contact the agency that tracked down my contact details and get your money back - perhaps they were confused by the central London addressinto thinking he’d bought a property here.
 
Anyway, I wish you luck in your search for Michael Jackson superstar. Perhaps you could reach him via his official website which should list his UK fan club address?
 
 
 
 
Best regards,
014
Michael D Jackson
Marketing Manager

Flat 12
Burgess Hill
West Sussex
Mr Michael D Jackson
Marketing Manager (not singer)
London
 
 
 
Dear Michael
 
Many thanks for your letter of 6 October explaining that you are in fact Michael David Jackson (marketing manager) and not Michael Joseph Jackson (the king of pop).
 
You said in your letter that you have none of the musical talent of the other Michael Jackson. But, come now Mr Jackson - I’m sure you can bang out a good tune when you think no one is listening. I bet you can even do a Moonwalk (be careful if you try this in the shower because I know from bitter experience that you can slip over and crack your coccyx).
 
I doubt the agency will refund my money. However, you are quite a close match to Michael J Jackson. Would you consider sending me a signed photo of yourself dressed as the other Michael Jackson and singing along to ‘Billy Jean’? At least then I can honestly say I have a signed photo of Michael Jackson.
 
Good luck with the marketing management.
 
I look forward to hearing from you.
 
Yours truly
015
Julian Henby
016

Flat 12
Burgess Hill
West Sussex
15 January 2007
Mr Des O’Connor
London
017
 
 
 
Dear Des O’Connor
 
I am an enormous fan of yours, especially your music. Indeed, my I am an enormous fan of yours, especially your music. Indeed, my great admiration for your work has prompted me to set up a new Des O’Connor Appreciation Society, now boasting ten recruits!
 
This Appreciation Society differs from most others because we intend to take a distinctly direct approach. My belief is that it is imperative to express one’s appreciation directly to the subject, making good use of pomp and showmanship. We have therefore designed a regime of celebrations that we intend to perform on a daily basis (every day except Christmas Days). The regime is as follows:
 
At 7.00am, members of the Des O’Connor Appreciation Society will begin to march toward your road, accompanied by a brass band.
As they march, the band will play the tune to ‘Des Is Great, Des Is Good’ (a song that has been written especially for the Society). The brass band will be led by a group of six cheerleaders carrying a banner bearing the Society’s name. The musical procession will take approximately two hours to make its way through the streets that lead to your road.
 
At 9.00am, the procession will enter your road. Having reached its destination the band will continue to play, marching on the spot for a further hour. You are encouraged to come to your upstairs window to acknowledge and watch the procession.
 
At 10.00am, you will be collected at your door by a young female model. You will receive a golden crown before being seated on an ornate wooden throne that will then be lifted aloft by four of our members. The band will resume playing your special song and marching on down the road with you held high - the king of light entertainment. The procession will take the pre-determined route through the town, attracting members of the public to its number all the while.