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Table of Contents

Introduction

About This Book

Conventions Used in This Book

What You’re Not to Read

Foolish Assumptions

How This Book Is Organised

Part I: Introducing NLP Coaching

Part II: Building Core Coaching Skills

Part III: Deepening Your Awareness

Part IV: Working Through Dramas, Decisions and Dilemmas

Part V: Advancing Your NLP Coaching Repertoire

Part VI: The Part of Tens

Icons Used in This Book

Where to Go from Here

Part I : Introducing NLP Coaching

Chapter 1: Combining Coaching and NLP for Great Results

Establishing the Differences between Coaching and NLP

Pursuing a Coaching Career

Defining coaching

Surveying opportunities

Identifying potential

Recognising boundaries with therapy and consultancy

Starting with NLP

Appreciating structure

Relying on a robust framework that really works

Turning to tools and models for change

Getting into the Dreaming Habit

Chapter 2: Gathering the Essential NLP Skills

Increasing Rapport

Pacing and leading

Tuning into non-verbal communication

Flexing your communication style

Connecting with the whole person

Working with Some Key NLP Assumptions

The map is not the territory

People are more than their behaviour

Individuals are resourceful

Getting Beneath the Surface

Uncovering language’s meaning: Two key models

Playing with the time dimension

Separating process from content

Capturing the secondary gain

Modelling Excellence

Finding and following exemplars

Shifting to unconscious competence

Moving from confusion to congruence

Chapter 3: Developing Your Coaching Alliances

Defining the Client-Coach Alliance

Building Trusting Relationships

Keeping things confidential

Operating with ethics and integrity

Honouring human reactions and limitations

Contracting Competently with Clients

Setting the groundwork

Picking the right person

Arriving with core coaching competencies

Monitoring motivation

Sharing expectations for success

Thriving on Curiosity and Spaciousness

Feeling the power of silence

Accessing intuition

Being okay with not knowing the answers

Sponsoring clients’ natural expertise

Part II: Building Core Coaching Skills

Chapter 4 : Shaping the Agenda for Change

Opening and Ending Sessions with Elegance

Being prepared

Setting intents

Taking the learning forward step by step

Ending things well

Fine-Tuning the Intake Process

Laying the groundwork

Capturing the current reality

Formulating the Desired Agenda

Refining agendas

Keeping on track

Staying in the moment as real life happens

Chapter 5: Going for Quick-Win Sessions

Checking the SCORE

Conversing with SCORE

Symptoms

Causes

Outcomes

Resources

Effects

Keeping the SCORE

Leveraging with Logical Levels

Environment

Behaviour

Capabilities and skills

Beliefs and values

Identity

Purpose

Forwarding Awareness into Action

Chapter 6: Getting Greater Clarity

Tackling Blind Spots with Awareness

Creating and Using Mental Maps

Preferring one sense over another

Filtering information

Allowing the unconscious to get involved

Asking Powerful Questions

Finding the question that lands just right

Posing an inquiry to take away

Listening Intently

Listening at four levels

Listening beyond words

Chapter 7 : Making Goals Come Alive

Checking that Goals Are Well-Formed

Is the goal stated in the positive?

Is the goal self-initiated, self-maintained and within my control?

Does the goal describe the evidence procedure?

Is the context of the goal clearly defined?

Does the goal identify the necessary resources?

Have I evaluated whether the goal is ecological?

Does the goal identify the first step I need to take?

Balancing Dreams with Reality: The Disney Strategy

Getting to know the various roles

Coaching through the roles

Generating New Behaviours

Hearing the soundtrack

Seeing the movie

Feeling, touching and smelling the result

Part III : Deepening Your Awareness

Chapter 8: Tuning into Values

Knowing What’s Important

Separating must-haves from shoulds

Separating means values and end values

Focusing on core values

Setting Priorities

Allowing time to refine values

Assessing values-based decisions

Responding to violated values

Keeping Values Alive Every Day

Assessing whether you’re walking the talk

Dreaming bigger and better

Chapter 9 : Tapping into Passion and Purpose

Waking Up

Getting in Tune with Flow States

Finding your flow state

Accessing the flow state

Maintaining flow in challenging times

Finding the Meaning in Your Work

Seeking value while questing constantly

Making sense of the tough times

Recognising Your Life Purpose

Noticing what energises you when the going gets tough

Finding and using your passion: the DASE model

Defining purpose in your own words

Building a Shared Vision

Merging different agendas

Knowing when to bend and when to stay tough

Chapter 10: Shedding Light on Patterns

Seeing the Metaprograms

Global/detail

Options/procedures

Toward/away from

Internal/external

Breaking unhelpful patterns

Cutting through Collusion

Voicing what you notice

Having the courage to hold the space

Establishing New Habits

Chapter 11: Developing Better Strategies

Discovering the Difference that Makes the Difference: Strategies

Setting off strategies

Toting around your strategies

Tackling unhelpful strategies

Sequencing strategies

Paying attention to the eyes

Redesigning strategies

Honouring the intent

Finding Examples in Others: Models and Mentors

Choosing exemplars

Finding new strategies from models of excellence

Imagining mentors

Creating New Structures to Be More Effective

Saying a resounding yes or a definitive no

Counting the days

Colour-coding schedules and diaries

Checking in

Part IV : Working Through Drama, Decisions and Dilemmas

Chapter 12: Strengthening Relationships in Tough Times

Identifying the Stakeholders Who Matter

Mapping out the network

Informing – or influencing?

Setting priorities for communication

Understanding What Makes Others Tick

Taking perceptual positions

Gazing into the NLP meta-mirror

Listening for metaprograms

Adapting your approach

Coaching Teams to Bond

Forming: Adopting the mindset for success

Storming: Developing a shared future

Norming and performing: Championing great ways of operating

Disbanding: Moving on positively

Chapter 13 : Moving through Life’s Disappointments

Feeling Okay When Things Are Clearly Not Okay

Staying with feelings

Increasing self-care

Breathing out problems

Finding the good and letting the rest go

Avoiding the Drama Triangle

Playing the victim

Saving the day

Bullying others

Gaining Something from Tough Times

Following the grief and loss process

Looking for loss

Holding the positive by-products

Chapter 14: Coaching through Conflict

Recognising Behaviours under Pressure

Checking for patterns

Holding on to the best outcome

Working through Differences

Knowing the enemy well

Negotiating in the best-sized chunks

Voicing What Needs to Be Said

Developing the non-violent vocabulary

Finessing feedback

Building the most confident voice

Developing appreciative habits

Chapter 15: Smoothing Career Peaks and Troughs

Playing to Strengths

Creating a career recipe

Preparing to lose a job

Owning an Engaging Reputation

Gaining insight from others’ feedback

Developing personal stories

Communicating confidently

Recognising the Power of Networks to Support Growth

Connecting online

Getting known

Part V : Advancing Your NLP Coaching Repertoire

Chapter 16: Turning Time to Your Advantage

Creating a Personal Time Line

Visualising time

Working with in-time clients

Working with through-time clients

Becoming a Time Traveller

Taking off at will

Letting go of the negative

Creating the Desired Future

Touring various aspects, at various points in time

Increasing the sparkle dust

Chapter 17: Shifting Experiences with Submodalities

Understanding the Submodalities

Seeing the distinctions

Hearing auditory signals

Feeling the kinaesthetic differences

Mapping across from other resources

Shifting Positions

Associating with the moment

Dissociating from the moment

Changing Beliefs through the Senses

Distinguishing between limiting and empowering beliefs

Getting beneath the surface and empowering the client’s potential

Chapter 18: Managing Emotional States

Saying Hello to Emotional States

Changing Emotional States

Checking the baseline state

Anchoring positive states

Allowing negative states to slide away

Tackling Interference from Gremlins

Shaking up the peacekeeper gremlin

Messing with the perfectionist gremlin

Firing up the procrastinator gremlin

Drawing your gremlins

Overcoming Fear

Championing natural confidence

Releasing phobias fast

Chapter 19: Connecting All Parts of a Person

Splitting into Parts

Keeping Everyone Supported during Change

Building on past experiences

Checking for ecology

Establishing the bale-out position

Developing a Unified Identity

Integrating conflicting parts

Bringing the whole self into play

Keeping a journal

Reframing the Situation

Adopting various frames

Reframing in six steps

Part VI : The Part of Tens

Chapter 20: Ten Powerful Coaching Questions

What Do You Want?

What’s Important to You about This?

How Will You Know When You’ve Got What You Want?

What Is Getting in the Way for You?

What Resources Have You Got that Can Support You?

When You Accomplish Your Goal and Look Back on Your Success, What Will You Experience?

What’s the Question You Don’t Want to Ask Yourself Right Now?

What’s the Way to Make This Really Easy?

What’s the First Step?

And What Else?

Chapter 21: Ten Traps to Avoid in Coaching

Racing into Detail without Seeing the Bigger Picture

Getting Caught with Long-Winded Tales

Rescuing the Other Person

Dramatising What You Hear

Being the Know-all

Slipping into Parent or Child Role

Losing Track of Time

Falling into Love and Friendship

Engaging in Over-Enthusiastic Action-Planning

Being Scared to Say Goodbye

Chapter 22: Ten Ways to Enhance Your Coaching Skills

Enrol in Diverse Courses and Workshops

Share Your Knowledge with Others

Practise on Willing Guinea Pigs

Model Other Coaches in Action

Experiment with New Ideas

Record Yourself and Play It Back

Set a Quality Target

Work with a Supervisor or Mentor

Join a Coaching Network

Volunteer with a Professional Body

Cheat Sheet

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ISBN: 978-0-470-97226-7 (paperback), 978-1-119-99166-3 (ebook), 978-0-470-97303-5 (ebook), 978-0-470-97302-8 (ebook)

Kate Burton is an international NLP master coach, author and workshop leader whose aim is to give all her clients the space to become consciously aware of how they truly want to live and work, and make the change they desire. She thrives on supporting people in boosting their motivation, self-awareness and confidence.

Kate’s business career began in corporate advertising and marketing with Hewlett-Packard. Since then she has worked with varied businesses across industries and cultures on how they can be great communicators. What she loves most is delivering custom-built programmes. Her key corporate workshops and coaching centre on the themes of Leader as Coach, Boosting Confidence through Change, and Energy, Performance and Potential. She also runs private retreats in beautiful locations with amazing views.

Coaching with NLP For Dummies is her fifth book. In addition to co-authoring NLP For Dummies and NLP Workbook For Dummies with Romilla Ready, she co-authored Building Self-Confidence For Dummies with Brinley Platts. Her book Live Life, Love Work is published by Capstone, an imprint of Wiley. Contact Kate via her website at www.kateburton.co.uk.

When the Dummies team approached me to create Coaching with NLP For Dummies I knew I was in good hands once again. My editorial team, led by Rachael and Brian, worked with incredible attention to detail and enthusiasm to refine my chapters: they naturally adopt a coaching style with their powerful questioning and respectful support.

The content of this book is based on more than a decade of learning about and practising the art of coaching and NLP that builds on many more years in business. All my teachers in the personal development arena have my special thanks for their wisdom, including so many coaches I’ve connected with over the years. To my amazing clients I always appreciate the endless opportunities to do the work I love and learn from every interaction with you. To Bob and the family, your love and support for me in the background makes all the difference. And finally my thanks to the many thousands of readers who have shown their appreciation by buying the books. In the wish that some of the words in this book make their mark, I leave you with a quote from a fellow coach that: ‘We never touch people so lightly that we do not leave a trace.’

We’re proud of this book; please send us your comments through our Dummies online registration form located at www.dummies.com/register/.

Technical Editor: Katherine Tulpa, CEO, Association for Coaching and Co-Founder of Wisdom8

Layout and Graphics: Claudia Bell, Joyce Haughey, Andrea Hornberger,Corrie Socolovitch

Introduction

Coaching and Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) are both exceptionally powerful. Bring them together and you have a winning combination. So welcome to Coaching with NLP For Dummies, which I trust fires up your enthusiasm to do amazing work.

We live in uncertain times. No one can accurately predict what today’s developments in technology, globalisation, demographics and climate change mean for tomorrow, let alone a few years from now. Unsurprisingly, more people than ever are turning to coaches to guide them through life and career transitions as they seek to own their destiny. People need wise, independent sounding boards. They want inspiration and motivation for working lives that are predicted to last longer than ever before. Leaders in organisations are calling on their managers to coach their people, equipping them for a future with more fluid working patterns in which commanding and controlling employees is no longer appropriate.

Whatever your interest in coaching, armed with this practical and fun book, you have a wealth of ideas to get out there and coach at your best.

About This Book

Coaching is a creative partnership between two people that inspires new thinking and leads to change.

Typically in the coaching world, professional coaches refer to the coach and coachee as the two key people in the relationship and the client as a customer who holds the purse strings in an organisation. In this book, I’ve deliberately chosen the alternative word client for the person being coached to give you a stronger distinction between the two key players involved.

I wrote this book for readers interested in the role of the coach. Yet in every example, the client can be you, so play with the exercises to coach yourself as well as others. Whatever made you pick up this book, you’re going to discover more about yourself and others. Get ready to open new doors and explore the fascinating world of being human through the coaching relationship.

My aim in every chapter of this book is to cut through any jargon. Top-quality coaching needs to be accessible to all and to that end, I offer practical and relevant tools for you to make your own.

Conventions Used in This Book

To help you navigate throughout this book, I set up a few conventions:

Italic text is used for emphasis and to highlight new words or terms that are then defined.

Boldfaced text is used to indicate the action part of numbered steps.

Monofont is used for website addresses.

Sometimes I talk about the client and coach as him and other times as her. I’ve aimed to vary the gender to give you a fair representation when you read the entire book.

What You’re Not to Read

For Dummies books are hugely popular with busy people keen to get to the heart of a subject quickly because you can capture the wisdom between these yellow and black covers fast. To that end, you can easily identify the material you can skip through. This information is the stuff that, although interesting and related to the topic at hand, isn’t essential for you to know and includes:

Text in sidebars. The sidebars are the shaded boxes that appear here and there. They often share personal stories and observations or bits of history and background information.

The stuff on the copyright page. No kidding. You find nothing here of interest unless you’re inexplicably enamoured with legal language and reprint information!

Foolish Assumptions

I assume, and correct me if I’m wrong, that you:

Have a good reason to be reading Coaching with NLP For Dummies without the desire to wade through all the possible books and courses on the topic.

Are interested in discovering and applying new coaching and NLP ideas for yourself as well as clients.

Want to enhance your NLP-related skills.

Need to get stuck in with your coaching to tackle real issues immediately.

Want to develop a practical set of coaching tools.

Know that you can benefit from coaching yourself as well as coaching others.

Are committed to being proficient and professional in your coaching activities.

How This Book Is Organised

I divide this book into six parts, with each part broken into chapters. The Table of Contents gives you more detail on each chapter, and I even throw in a cartoon at the start of each part for your amusement.

Part I: Introducing NLP Coaching

In this part, I paint the overall picture for you, demonstrating where coaching and NLP come together to create choice and change for your clients. You get a feel for what is possible as you build greater rapport and get beneath the surface of the initial coaching conversation. You see how to get a coaching partnership off to the finest start by the way you contract competently and sponsor your clients’ innate expertise in their own lives.

Part II: Building Core Coaching Skills

Get ready to allow the magic to begin, opening your coaching elegantly with a clear intake process and shifting step by step forward while knowing how to close a session with equal elegance. In this part, you develop your fundamental skills in questioning, listening and goal setting while holding on to a clear agenda for your clients.

Part III: Deepening Your Awareness

This part gets even more interesting as you explore coaching at the higher logical levels of values and purpose. You see how to encourage the flow states in your clients in which they can be at their very best with greatest ease. You recognise more about the patterns that drive habitual behaviour and how to break unhelpful ones. In this section I also share the benefits of bringing NLP modelling into coaching to make your clients more effective in any area where they want to develop.

Part IV: Working Through Dramas, Decisions and Dilemmas

Part IV focuses on the more challenging questions that arise in coaching conversations around living and working with others when the going gets tough. How can you build strong relationships, especially with difficult and demanding people? How do you get teams to work well together? You find out how to support your clients through conflicts and disappointments, including grieving for loss. On the career front, I show you how to ensure your clients can navigate the ups and downs of their working lives with confidence and strong communication skills.

Part V: Advancing Your NLP Coaching Repertoire

In this part, I encourage you to build more NLP techniques into your sessions, from time lines and submodality work to anchoring and parts integration. All these approaches become crystal clear as you work through the exercises laid out step by step in each chapter. You don’t need to be an NLP expert to capture the benefit of these tools to make your client’s exceptionally resilient.

Part VI: The Part of Tens

If you’re impatient to get going quickly, start here. This part takes you straight to some powerful coaching questions and ways you can develop as a coach. In addition, I offer warnings of pitfalls you want to avoid. This part of the book is for anyone who, like me, simply can’t resist checking out the end of a book before deciding which are the most interesting pages to devour in the middle.

Icons Used in This Book

A series of icons guide you to the heart of the book.

This icon indicates real-life experiences of NLP coaching in action. Although based on real clients, the people often have their names changed unless they gave me permission to feature them in the book. Some anecdotes are based on composite characters to portray familiar themes that people raise in coaching.

This icon highlights NLP terminology that may sound like a foreign language at first yet has a precise meaning to an NLP-qualified coach.

This icon is a friendly reminder of important points to watch out for.

Keep your eyes on this target for insightful practical advice.

This icon suggests ideas and activities to give you tools for coaching and food for thought.

Where to Go from Here

Jump straight into any chapter that calls to you – the choice is yours. You don’t have to work through the book from cover to cover, although you may want to check the table of contents first to see what grabs your interest. For example, if you’re keen to get some quick wins, check out the models in Chapter 5. Or if you’re working with clients who struggle with relationships, you may want to fast-forward to Chapter 12. Dipping and diving is the name of the game as you build your coaching repertoire based on what you already know and what truly interests you.

Coaching with NLP For Dummies®

Coaching with NLP For Dummies^®