From the Introduction to the Former Edition

When I began my clinical practice in the mid-1980s, a lot of the families coming to me for treatment had children with friendship problems. Conventional treatments (individual, group, and family therapy) were not effective with these problems, and I started to think about what I could do to help. In 1990, my son was five years old and just beginning to make friends by himself. I noticed how he did this and what parents had to do to keep friendships going. I also noticed that other parents in our neighborhood whose children had friends were doing pretty much the same things.

I also looked at what researchers had discovered about children’s friendships. The 1980s were productive years for researchers interested in children with friendship problems. Developmental psychologists made breakthroughs. They started by asking children whom they liked and disliked playing with. They found that many children were quietly suffering from friendship problems (10 percent had no friends at all).¹ They then identified the things children did that led to friendship problems and what well-adjusted children did in the same situations.

Some researchers had the patience (and funding) to see what happened to these children as they grew up. What they found was eye-opening: children who had chronic difficulties making and keeping friends were more likely to drop out of school and have drug problems in adolescence.² Children who did not have a best friend outside the family (brother and sister don’t count here) grew up to be lonely young adults.³ They found that close friends teach each other social grace and how to solve disagreements.⁴ Close friends support each other in stressful times and help each other to look beyond their own needs and become sensitive to others.⁵

Introduction to This Edition

Response to the former edition of this book, titled Good Friends Are Hard to Find, has been gratifying. It has been reprinted in five major languages: Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Spanish. It has also been endorsed by government agencies⁶ and national public media⁷ and received positive reviews from various national interest groups representing therapists,⁸ children, and parents.⁹

Several important changes have taken place since the publication of that first edition. Foremost is that parents have become more worried about violence that is spilling out into middle and high schools. The Internet has intruded more into family life through instant messaging (IM) and a flood of information, wanted and unwanted. Video games have become more sophisticated and captivating for children. In response to these pressures, the additional challenges facing parents are considerable, and many of these have trickled down to parents of elementary school-aged children. I have added material to this book to help parents cope with these new challenges.

The field of clinical psychology has also undergone a metamorphosis as a new evidence-based movement in therapy has taken hold. The basic tenet is that treatment programs should be standardized and should be evaluated and modified based on the measured outcome of treatment. The UCLA Children’s Friendship Program has been in the forefront of this movement. Over thirteen hundred children and their parents have been helped in our Children’s Friendship Training classes (outside of our research studies, we have conducted over 155 of these classes since 1989). An important part of the intervention is homework assignments given to parents and children. These homework assignments form the basis of much of this book. In subsequent sessions, we hear about the experiences of parents and children in following through with these assignments, and we help them adapt the program to their specific situation if necessary. This process has been important in helping me modify and adapt the program, and I have revised this book to incorporate these findings.

The results of clinical trials have been gratifying: improvement on our outcome measures ranged from 70 to 91 percent of children. ¹⁰While we were testing the interaction of our treatment with medication, one possible approach to treating attention-deficit /hyperactivity disorder (ADHD, see Chapter Twenty-Seven), we found that children with ADHD who were taking Ritalin or a similar medication showed improvement at the same level as the children without ADHD.¹¹Children with fetal alcohol spectrum disorders improved on all parent and teacher measures when they were prescribed neuroleptic medication, such as risperidone. ¹²Children with autism spectrum disorders showed greater improvement when they were not prescribed any medication.¹³ Follow-up at sixteen weeks after the end of treatment showed continued improvement.¹⁴I believe that this is because parents continued to have one-on-one play dates using the techniques they learned from us.

The most important finding has been that one-on-one play dates are the best way to build close friendships.¹⁵A one-on-one play date happens when your child invites only one guest over and plays with him or her in private. These occasions are the only time when children can get to know each other intimately without interruption, and so they help your child develop and maintain intimate relationships with friends.

How This Book Is Organized

I am adopting some conventions in this book to simplify the presentation. Ninety-five percent of children we have helped were in grades 1 through 6, so examples cover only this age range. Also for ease of reading, I talk about boys and girls in stereotyped interests, for example, boys playing sports and girls playing with dolls. (Tomboys are discussed in Chapter Five in more detail.)

The focus of this book is on helping parents. I have listed citations for those interested in looking at part of the evidence base from many of my summary statements about studies. These are usually journal articles, which were the best or only sources. I have also published a manual of the UCLA program for therapists and readers interested in a more detailed look at how our groups work.¹⁶

This book is organized into step-by-step plans that address common friendship issues:

1. “The Problem” describes specific problems that the chapter addresses.

2. “Background” helps you to understand causes and solutions of each problem.

3. “Solving the Problem” gives you step-by-step instructions to practice with your child.

4. “The Next Step” tells you which problem to solve next and which chapters to read for relevant information.

You don’t need to read this book cover to cover. Just focus on the areas in which your child needs help, solving one problem at a time. I show you the most important rules to teach your child and which problems to solve first. The rules are easy to teach to your child.

I am reminded of the best definition of quality friendship I have come across: “Friendship is a mutual relationship formed with affection and commitment between people who consider themselves equals.”¹⁷

Helping children find and make friends takes a considerable investment. The demands on parents today are enormous. But making time to practice the strategies in this book will help your child to develop quality friendships. The children who improve the most have parents who discuss problems with them and know how to help. You are the best person to help your child solve friendship problems.

PART ONE

How Parents Can Help

Your child needs friends as much as he needs food and exercise. Success in life is influenced by a combination of academic achievement and skill in being friendly towards others.¹ You can help your child find friends.

Making Time for Friends

The Problem

• I’m not sure my child has the time to have friends, what with homework and all of the activities she’s in during the school year. What can I do?

Background: Too Busy to Have Friends?

Our lifestyles today leave children less play time than children in the past had, and pull children away from friendships. Teachers depend more on homework (and parents) to teach children, and that added homework spills over into our children’s afternoons and evenings. In more families than in the past, both parents work, so families spend less time together during the week. Some use weekends for family time. The bottom line is that there is less time for all of us for friends.

We Misplace Our Time

School-aged children average twenty-seven hours of electronic media viewing per week.¹ And that’s just an average—some children watch considerably more. This figure also doesn’t include video game play and other computer time. Children are home Saturday morning watching TV, sending instant messages to friends, and playing video games instead of running around and playing with each other. Many parents tell me they are hard-pressed to get everything done, and they are relieved that their children are occupied. But the prevalence of obesity is increasing in children, and the time spent watching electronic media has been targeted as a major contributor.² We are sacrificing companionship and health for entertainment.

We Give Away Our Time

Parents tell me they feel they have to put their child in many different structured activities: soccer, scouts, music lessons, computer class, karate. These activities can effectively fill up their child’s free time, but they are left with no time for friends.

Children need time for one-on-one play dates—the best way to make friends. Classes and scouts may be productive ways to meet other children, and sports may sometimes be ways to get exercise, but your child needs enough open time for one or two play dates of at least two hours each every week (kindergarten and first graders start out with shorter play dates). You will need to open up more than four hours to make your child accessible to other children’s schedules. Even if you and your spouse work, children have all day Saturday and Sunday for play dates.

Solving the Problem: How to Free Up Time for Friends

Freeing up time may involve some simple advanced planning to make adjustments to your weekly schedule. The key is to weigh the longer term importance of each activity and accept that you can engage in the more important activities.

Step 1: Calculate How Much Time Your Child Has for Close Friends

Figure out how much prime time your child currently has for one-on-one play dates. Prime time is when other children are likely to get together with your child. Include only times when

• You are around to supervise.

• Your child can see a single playmate of his choice.

• Your child can play without any siblings around. This may be difficult for you to arrange, but it will be worth the effort.

• Your child and his friend can choose what they want to play.

Table 1.1 shows typical times for play dates, figuring school ends at 2:30.

Don’t include sleepover time (Friday and Saturday after 7:00 P.M.) as prime time. Sleepovers are valuable for children who are becoming good friends, but not for the first few play dates with each other.

If both parents work, then play dates from Monday through Friday are not possible, which leaves only seventeen hours of prime time per week. Now figure out how many hours your child has for one-on-one play dates. If your total is less than four hours per week during prime time, go to step 2.

Table 1.1 Prime Times for Play Dates

Days	Prime Times	Total Hours
Monday through Thursday	2:30-6:00 P.M.	14.0
Friday	2:30-7:00 P.M.	4.5
Saturday and Sunday	10:00 A.M.-7:00 P.M.	17.0
Total prime time		35.5

Step 2: Drop Activities That Don’t Yield Friendships

Make a list of all the activities your child has during prime time and how many hours each takes up.

The overscheduled child whose weekly activities are shown in Table 1.2 has no time to develop close friendships. He needs to free four hours for this essential activity. What are the things to cut back? Here are my suggestions, set out in the order in which to drop them. Move down the list until you find enough to drop so that your child has those four needed hours.

Activities to Drop

1. TV and video games. These are the least necessary, waste the most time, encourage an unhealthy sedentary lifestyle, and are most easily dropped at the last minute. Schedule a play date to take the place of Saturday morning TV (the TV stays off during the play date).

2. Playing with friends of convenience. These might be a child of your friend, a relative, or a neighbor whom your child does not like. Playing with friends of convenience offers none of the benefits of playing with a close friend. If you can arrange a play date with someone your child likes, cancel these other commitments (a week’s notice will be sufficient).

3. Teams or scouts with poor adult supervision benefit no one. Your child is better off at home than being yelled at by a coach or left to his own devices.

4. Teams or scouts outside your neighborhood that don’t lead to play dates in your home.

5. Teams that offer your child little opportunity for physical exercise (sitting on the bench, waiting turns). These have few of the health benefits of physical activity and may also encourage a sedentary lifestyle.

6. Nonschool instruction, such as origami, karate, or art class. These activities can be fun and can be a place to meet friends. But there is little benefit in meeting friends if your child never gets to know them.

7. Multiple team or scout activities (Little League, soccer, and swim team practice are too much). Don’t cut them all out, just the least productive. All you need is one of these activities at any given time for your child. Your child will benefit little from more than one of these activities at a time if he can’t have play dates with friends.

Table 1.2 An Overscheduled Child

Activity	Weekly Time Commitment
Homework	8 hours
Music lessons and practice	4 hours
Play with neighbor’s child I baby-sit	1 hours
Little League games and practice	3.5 hours
Religious school	4 hours
Scouts	1.5 hours
Soccer	3.5 hours
Watching TV, playing video games	9 hours
Origami class	1 hour
Total	35.5 hours

Overscheduled children have more than enough of teams and classes. Each of these activities may have seemed enriching when you signed your child up, but look at the total schedule at this point and set your priorities. Think about eliminating the activity that would lead to the fewest play dates. Open up blocks of time by dropping nonschool classes or activities.

Step 3: Drop Activities That Soak Up Your Time

You can’t leave play dates for someone else to supervise. You are the best person to be there to make sure things go well. Your time is valuable and not as productively spent in activities that don’t benefit you or your child.

Margaret, for example, is a soft-spoken, pleasant mother of eight-year-old Todd. For the past two years, she has put in many hours as the leader for Todd’s Cub Scout den, which has six boys other than Todd. She spends two hours each week planning den meetings, plans and spends the better part of one Saturday each month on a den outing, and spends one hour per month with other den leaders planning Cub Scout pack activities.

In spite of his mother’s volunteering twenty-two hours per month for scouts, not one of the other boys has ever invited Todd for play dates. They never invite him to their birthday parties, although they occasionally talk about their parties at Cub Scout meetings in front of Todd. In fact, Todd has no friends at all he can invite to play with.

My heart went out to Margaret when she told me this story. Despite her valiant efforts (Cub Scouts wouldn’t exist without parents like Margaret volunteering their time), her child is overlooked by the other children she is helping. Putting this much time into scouts keeps her from helping Todd find children who would be happy to play with him. Here are twenty-two hours each month that she could devote to Todd’s benefit. She has three choices at this point:

1. Devote time to arranging play dates with the parents of her Cubs.

2. Look for ways to add Cubs to her den who want to play with Todd.

3. Graciously hand over the den to another parent. She does not owe the others her time. She can tell the other parents she is too busy to continue and they have to find someone else. She can give Todd the choice of continuing with this den, changing to another, or dropping out of scouts.

When I was a Cub master, I saw parents who took choice 3, and no one blamed them; we were glad to have their help while they could give it. The other parents will take over den leadership if they care enough for scouts.

Step 4: Make That Car Pool Work for You and Your Child

Not only do car pools save time, they can also help your child meet children his age who live close by. The common destination gives children something to talk about, and riding in the car (with the radio off) gives them time to talk. Arranging play dates becomes much easier. For example, Darnell’s and Clark’s moms have car-pooled with each other to get their boys to school. Here’s how easily they arrange a play date:

DARNELL’S MOM: Darnell would like to know if Clark can come over to our house this Friday.

CLARK’S MOM: Clark’s been asking to play with Darnell, so that I’m sure he’d love it.

DARNELL’S MOM: How about if I just take them over to our house after school when I pick them up?

CLARK’S MOM: That will be great!

Nevertheless, car pools can sometimes work against having friends, as Paul and Joanne found out. They live within two blocks of each other and are good friends. Their sons attend first grade at the same school across town, so they have arranged a car pool there. But Joanne’s son behaves poorly at Paula’s house, in the car, and at school, and Paula’s son does not like to play with this boy. But he does anyway since he doesn’t have any other choices.

Although Joanne and Paula are friends, the two boys are not. They are forced to be together in the car and have play dates with each other out of desperation, which is preventing other relationships from sprouting. Perhaps there is a boy in the area whom Paula’s son likes and attends the same school. Changing car pools or adding him to the car pool would give Paula’s son a more suitable child to play with.

Tips on Forming Car Pools

• Don’t make them permanent. Set them up as temporary, so that if you need to change them, no one’s feelings will be hurt.

• Set them up so they save you time (but also do your share of the driving).

• Turn a ride home into a play date. Arrange play dates at pickup or drop-off times to save additional time. The other parent can do the same on a day she drives.

The Next Step

You and your child now have more time during the school year to devote to the serious business of making friends (for time management during summer vacation, read Chapter Fourteen). If your child has children to invite over, read Chapters Ten and Twelve before you make your next play date. If your child has difficulty being a good host, read Chapters Twelve and Thirteen before scheduling a play date. If your child spends too much screen time or time playing by himself, read Chapter Two. If your child has trouble meeting new friends, read Chapters Five and Seven. If you could use a few tips on how to connect with other parents to find friends for your child, read Chapter Six.

Curbing Interests That Prevent Friendships

The Problem

• My child frequently prefers playing by herself when her guest is over. What can I do?

• My child likes to watch TV and play video games when his friends come over. Should I allow this?

• Should I worry about my child’s obsession with a particular toy?

Background: Interests That Interfere with Friendships

Certain recreational activities, especially TV and video games, can rob your child of friends and interfere with play dates. These activities

• Make it hard to talk to others while they are going on.

• Needlessly steal time away from playing with friends.

• Rob your child of the energy or desire to exercise adequately and play with others.

• Are done just as well, or better, when your child is alone.

Too Hooked to Have Friends

Many parents use TV and video games for babysitting while they get other things done. Occasional use of this captivating entertainment is relatively harmless, but some children wind up glued to TV and video games for long periods of time.

Nine-year-old Jeremy spends much of his free time watching TV or playing video games. He doesn’t know how to play any board games or the games other boys are playing at recess and shows little interest in sports. Nor does he have any toys at home that are interesting to other children his age. Once Michael, also age nine, came over to his house to play, but they spent the whole time watching TV, barely saying a word to each other. After the play date, Michael told his parents he was bored, and he has since declined invitations to come back to play with Jeremy.

Jeremy’s interest in TV has blocked his chances of being friends with Michael. Michael is a people person, the kind of friend who would be valuable for Jeremy to have. The fact that Jeremy would ignore him for two hours is a sad commentary on Jeremy’s current priorities. It is difficult to get Jeremy to stop being hooked on TV.

Studies show that children who spend more than two hours each day on average viewing electronic media are at increased risk for overweight and associated physical problems.¹ Children need to learn how to have fun, talk, and solve problems with other children. Watching TV together with others or playing video games for most of a play date prevents this, since the children learn little about each other.

Why is Jeremy so interested in TV to the exclusion of anything else? Is it due to a lack of interactive activities, a bad habit, or an addiction?

Too Much Passion for the Toy, Too Little Regard for the Friend

TV addiction is easy to detect. Another type of addiction that is harmful to friendships is more difficult to spot. It’s when children focus on a game or toy, getting overly excited and losing sight of why another child is with them to play.

Natalie is seven years old and an avid collector of dolls. She plays with them by herself for hours at home and in after-school care. When she invites Leah over to play, she insists on playing with her dolls and dictating how Leah should play with them. Leah gets tired of this after forty-five minutes and finds a puzzle to put together. Natalie continues to play by herself, not noticing that Leah is no longer playing with her.

Dolls interest many seven year-old girls, and action figures interest many seven year-old boys. However, Natalie is so interested in playing with dolls that she no longer cares about her friend and what her friend wants to play.

Video games interest many boys. When this is all they want to do with friends, it is interfering with their ability to build deep friendships. You can help the guest and the host by restricting video game play so that they can find out that friendship is more than competition on a video game.

If your child has too much passion for one toy, it’s time to act.

Solving the Problem: Curb Addictive and Exclusive Interests

Parents can weed out interests that are destructive to friendships and nurture interests that build friendships. Nurturing friendship-building interests is presented in the next chapter. First, curb TV and video game addiction and interests that exclude other children.

Step 1: Remove Temptation and Easy Access to Electronic Media

Move the TV and video games from your child’s bedroom to public areas so that you can easily see when they are being overused. Removing TV from eating areas and turning the TV off during meals gives your child the message that media viewing is not something to be done at every available moment and that TV and eating don’t necessarily go together.

Let’s say that Mom sees Carl taking his dinner plate to the family room, where the TV is located:

MOM: I would like us to eat dinner together as a family. I want to hear about your day and not have to talk over the TV.

CARL: But I really wanted to watch this program.

MOM: Talking to your family is more important than watching TV.

PLAN A

Carl brings his dinner plate back to the table, and Mom thanks him.

PLAN B

If Carl doesn’t come to the table, Mom warns Carl that if he doesn’t come to the dinner table, he will lose TV for the evening. If Carl still doesn’t come to the table, then the TV privileges are lost for the evening.

Step 2: Set and Enforce a Reasonable Weekly Schedule

A modest amount of TV and video game play at the right time is acceptable. At the beginning of each week, select a reasonable menu of TV fare from the weekly TV listings together with your child (ideally no more than ten total hours of TV and video games for the week, with less being better). Circle the programs you select, so you and your child know what to do when your child wants to watch a TV program: if it isn’t circled, it isn’t watched. (Your child doesn’t have to watch a program just because it’s circled.) Schedule video games for only certain hours.

Dad hears the TV in the adjacent room on and finds that his son James is watching it. Dad checks the TV listings kept next to the TV and finds the program James is watching isn’t circled.

DAD: Is that one of the programs we agreed you could watch?

JAMES: I think so.

DAD: Take a look at the listing.

JAMES: [Sees it is not circled] Well, I’m bored, and I have nothing to do.

DAD: At 6:00 we have circled your Nickelodeon program. What can you do until then?

JAMES: I guess I can play with my blocks.

DAD: That’s a good idea. Want me to help you get them out?

If James doesn’t comply, then Dad warns him that he will lose his TV privileges for the evening. If James still doesn’t comply, he immediately loses his TV privileges for the evening.

Step 3: Make a Deal

In step 2 you learned how to set your child’s maximum number of hours of leisure time devoted to TV and video games. Elementary school children have more important things they have to do, like homework, which takes priority. Make a deal with your child to do what you want first, and then what he wants—for example:

DAD: Do your homework for thirty minutes, and then you can take a ten-minute break to play a video game.

The rule here is, “First you work, then you play.” Allow your child to play video games only after he first completes something necessary. Your child is more likely to do the important things, and he will reduce video game and TV time. This also works well for the addictive interest:

MOM: Natalie, you need to find another toy to play with for thirty minutes before you play with your dolls.

NATALIE: But I don’t like to play with anything else.

MOM: You need to give your dolls a rest and give another toy a try. What’s it going to be? Roller blades? Painting?

NATALIE: I’ll roller-blade, then.

MOM: Good. Roller-blade for the next thirty minutes, and then you can play with dolls.

If Natalie refuses to give up her dolls for thirty minutes, then she is warned that she will lose the dolls for the evening.

It is now up to Mom to enforce this as a minimum time for roller-blading: Natalie can’t play with dolls for the next thirty minutes. Mom does not have to remind Natalie if she roller-blades for longer than thirty minutes unless Natalie asks to be reminded. If Natalie stops roller-blading before thirty minutes, tell her to continue with roller blades or find something else.

Step 4: Don’t Let an Interest Exclude Playmates

If your child has an interest that sometimes excludes guests when they come over to play, make a deal with your child right before the playmate comes over:

DAD: When Michael comes over, it’s time to play with him, so no TV. Have Michael help you pick a game to play.

JEREMY: What if Michael wants to watch TV?

DAD: If he asks, just tell him your parents don’t allow TV when guests are over.

Natalie’s mother makes a pact with her:

MOM: [Fifteen minutes before Leah comes over] You can play with dolls if you agree to let Leah be in charge of what you play. You have a choice: either let Leah be in charge of what you play, or we’ll put the dolls away until Leah leaves. What would you like to do?

NATALIE: I’ll let Leah pick what we do.

MOM: Good. We’ll give it a try. If you can’t let Leah choose, then you’ll have to put the dolls away. Okay?

NATALIE: Okay.

PLAN A

If Natalie insists on continuing to play with dolls when Leah is no longer interested, Mom takes her dolls away for the remainder of the play date. She also makes dolls off-limits for the next few play dates. This is how she makes the point that friends are more important than dolls. Natalie is not allowed to bring dolls to school or after-school care, since it is likely she is behaving the same way there.

PLAN B

If Natalie lets Leah choose, this alternative is helping Natalie kick her addiction. Mom makes the same pact each time another girl comes over to play.

The Next Step

Congratulations! You have helped your child cut down on activities that cut out friends. Now it’s time to find activities that require playmates. In the next chapter, you will learn how to help your child develop interests that attract friends.

Developing Interests That Attract Friends

The Problem

• My daughter doesn’t have the same interests as other girls. What should I do?

• My child doesn’t seem to want to play with other children. What can I do about this?

• My child isn’t a sports person. What should I do about it?

Background: Cultivation of a Child’s Interests

Mutual interests are the basis of friendship. I have several acquaintances whom I like very much, but when I think about getting together with them, I can’t think of anything to do that we would both enjoy. That’s why they’re only acquaintances.

Solitary interests such as reading help make a well-rounded human being, but they don’t help children find friends. This chapter shows you how to nurture interactive interests that attract friends. These are activity interests like board games, sports, doll play, and pretend games, which feed friendships. Children with friends have interests that make them want to play and talk with others.

The playground doesn’t supply toys, so eight-year-old Roberto took a spongy football from home when he went to the playground. None of the other boys there had thought to bring a toy, and within a matter of minutes, and without asking anyone to play, Roberto immediately had two playmates. He isn’t that skilled at football, just skilled enough so that he can enjoy a game of catch. The three boys tossed the ball around for an hour before they got tired.

As with all other icebreakers, it’s not enough for Roberto to have the toy. He must know how to use it, or the children will not like playing with him. The spongy football helps the boys get to know each other because the toy is easy to share. If the toy were a radio-controlled car, other children would be attracted. But instead of harmonious play for an hour, you’d see minor squabbling for fifteen minutes over whose turn it is.

Hannah began attending a dance class with two other nine-year-old girls she knew, and she met another girl in the class who also went to her school. After a few months, the four girls started doing things together. They talk about this class endlessly, practice new routines together, and trade clothes.

Studies show that girls include others in their friendship group slowly.¹ It takes a while for Hannah and her friends to form a friendship group: they meet regularly at class, and the common activity leads to common interests, which gives them something to talk about and a reason to get together.

You can help your child become interested in activities that attract others. If you’ve tried and your child resists learning new games, you can overcome this.