Increasing Your Influence at Work All-in-One For Dummies®
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Influence at work isn’t just for CEOs anymore. No matter where you work or what you do, you need influence to get things done and enjoy greater success. Increasing Your Influence at Work All-in-One For Dummies is your guide to developing the skills you need — and using them effectively.
People who know how to exert influence in the workplace have more control over their work lives and move up the career ladder faster than others do. But you don’t need to be your company’s head honcho to wield influence; it’s a well-kept secret that anyone can build the influence they need to make a greater impact (and income).
Increasing Your Influence at Work All-in-One For Dummies helps you acquire and cultivate some of the most important attributes needed for influence, such as trustworthiness, reliability, and assertiveness. Here, you get pointers on improving your basic communication skills (both verbal and nonverbal), having critical conversations with co-workers, handling conflicts (even the ones you’re involved in), engaging teams and departments, exerting influence on co-workers of different generations (including Millennials), and strengthening your leadership skills.
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You don’t have to read this book from cover to cover, but if you’re an especially thorough person, feel free to do so! If you just want to find specific information and then get back to work, take a look at the table of contents or the index, and then dive into the chapter or section that interests you.
For example, if you want to strengthen your verbal and nonverbal communication skills, flip to Book 1. If you want to influence co-workers of several different generations, check out Book 4. Or if you want to head straight to the top of your organization, Book 6 on becoming an influential leader is the place to be.
No matter where you start, you’ll find the information you need to more effectively influence peers, managers, and subordinates. Good luck!
Book 1
Chapter 1
IN THIS CHAPTER
Communicating clearly and effectively in every situation
Discovering how the smallest words can have a big impact
Turning a confrontational conversation into a cooperative one
In everyday situations, people rely on the familiar back-and-forth of verbal communication. You probably don’t walk down the street in the morning and pause to think about what to say or what to do when a neighbor says hello. Instead, you have a fairly common pattern based on an existing relationship; you smile, say “hi” back, perhaps engage in small talk, and go on with your day. For most of your relationships, this process works fine. During critical work conversations, however, the intent changes the process. For this situation, you need effective and explicit communication techniques to manage the dialogues and to ensure that the results are focused and clear. Building effective communication techniques will catapult the success of a critical conversation.
In this chapter, you get the 4-1-1 on how to communicate clearly and effectively. You discover techniques that help build productivity and improve employee morale with different verbal cues you can use in every conversation, especially the critical ones. Part of this chapter addresses examples of open, authentic, and explicit conversations. Finally, you find out how to turn confrontational language into cooperative discussions that get results.
Although people have been communicating for most of their lives, critical conversations are different. Critical conversations are deliberate events that are targeted on results. In most cases, the main goal of the critical conversation is to improve working relationships or organizational results. That goal is a lot different from leading a project meeting, sending an email about a status update, or even presenting the company’s results to shareowners.
A leader may be a wonderful speaker who communicates frequently and with transparency. But even the best communicators can get caught up in the message when delivering a critical point.
To understand why communication skills are so critical to a successful conversation, briefly walk through what happens when people engage in dialogue. First, the sender has an idea, translates this idea into words, and sends it. Then the receiver gets the message, applies meaning to the idea, and gives feedback, making the receiver the new sender. Every back-and-forth exchange of words (and even nonverbal cues) continues with this process.
Communication is a transaction in which both parties continuously send and receive messages. Even before the initiator speaks, the receiver is observing nonverbal signals. Verbal communication and nonverbal communication are the building blocks to a successful critical conversation. For more on nonverbal techniques, check out Book 1, Chapter 2.
Now imagine a chain of this communication. Back and forth, each time with the other party interpreting what was or wasn’t said and adding meaning to the information. A message’s meanings can easily become distorted.
Here’s an example to show how the simple act of communicating can turn a bad situation into a horrible one.
Right off the bat, Kate sends the message that she has a concern, which may seem like a fair statement. What Kate does wrong is to use words that lead John to believe the problem is entirely on his end (“your behavior”). The situation just gets worse when Kate says “it’s hard for me to believe this.” Perhaps she’s trying to add some humor or use a less accusatory tone, but John interprets this statement as an accusation that his actions are so wrong even his boss can’t imagine they happened. (Find out how tone and other nonverbal cues impact a conversation in Book 1, Chapter 2) Words make a giant difference in how the receiver accepts and agrees on the desired result of the critical conversation.
The good news is that with simple strategies, you won’t fall into Kate’s slip-ups. When you communicate well, participants will be committed to improving their working relationships in the course of improving the business. When you don’t communicate correctly, the other parties will be put on the defensive and refuse to engage in the conversation. You can see how the former option gives you a much better outcome.
Effective verbal communication employs a number of simple and not-so-simple tools during different situations. The goal of mastering critical conversation is to know what the tools are, without using an overformulaic “toolkit” approach. Success depends on the relationship the two parties have before the conversation takes place and whether they can understand and respect each other. Being interested in and respectful of others’ points of view through your choice of words will contribute greatly to open communication and cooperation.
According to some communication experts, body language and other nonverbal communication skills account for more than 90 percent of the way an individual receives information from a sender. Book 1, Chapters 2 and 3 dive into all the nonverbal cues and body language that facilitate a successful critical conversation.
Emotions can get high during a discussion, so write down the feedback you want to give. If an employee is late, write down when she was late. If a customer is abusing your employees during customer service calls, write down the specific examples of when the customer stepped over the lines of professionalism. This prep work isn’t meant to be a witch-hunt! Quite the opposite. Having facts to back up why you’re initiating the conversation helps the receiver know that you care enough to get to the bottom of the problem and that you aren’t just presenting hearsay.
But just having the facts doesn’t guarantee a successful critical conversation. You have to present the facts as facts; this is when words matter most. During a critical conversation, present factual information and avoid the temptation to use opinion or hearsay. These steps leave no room for question and distrust, which could lead to one of the parties closing off the flow of communication.
Although this chapter is far from an English lesson (if you need one, check out English Grammar For Dummies by Geraldine Woods [John Wiley & Sons, Inc.]), here are some clear-cut definitions to help guide you through what to do (and what not to do) during a critical conversation:
No one wants to be brought into a conversation and told that she’s doing things wrong or that she’s going against the company. During a critical conversation, limit the words “them” and “they,” and stick to “I” and “we.”
Think of the different reactions these statements generate:
Note how this statement immediately pits “you” versus “us.”
Manager (using a revised approach): “I realize there were different perspectives on the right approach with Company ABC, especially during the last project. How can we work together to prevent losing another client, and perhaps even get Company ABC back?”
Here’s another example to demonstrate the nuances of word choice:
Here’s a double-whammy! The recipient is already on the defensive with “they” and “you,” and then is hit again with a conditional verb, “should.”
Here’s a better approach to the conversation from the previous example:
Manager (making good use of verbal skills): “I know that during conferences, it’s important to be social. This has to be balanced with maintaining professional behavior. Can we work together to talk about which activities are better than others?”
Accusations make people defensive. Collaboration makes change possible — and change is the ultimate goal of a critical conversation. During critical conversations, the smallest details, like the use of pronouns, can set a positive tone or create an argumentative or confrontational environment. Using the right inclusive words creates a higher level of commitment to the conversation because all the parties can take part in the discussion instead of being talked to by the other parties.
Talking in corporate speak, buzz words, and jargon — even if all parties are part of the same organization — usually results in glazed eyes or, worse, rolling eyes. A critical conversation isn’t the time to demonstrate how smart or with-it you are; it’s time to get to the point clearly and make sure the message is heard.
Table 1-1 shows a few key words and phrases that may have negative meanings during a critical conversation. You also see how to turn these phrases into positive ones that can help create an open environment for honest discussion.
TABLE 1-1 Poor Word Choices and Better Alternatives
|
Poor Word Choices |
Examples |
Why It’s a Poor Choice |
Better Alternatives |
|
“You should …” or “You could …” |
“You should work harder.” “You could do things differently.” |
The words “should” and “could” may be taken as an order and put the recipient on the defensive. “You should work harder” will derail a conversation faster than the blink of an eye. |
“Would you be willing to look at different ways of working?” “Based on this feedback, can we agree on how to create more positive results?” |
|
“You need to …” |
“You need to change your behavior and listen to me.” |
Letting someone else know that she needs to do anything may put her on the defensive. Instead of telling someone what she needs to do, focus on talking about why changing is good and focus on the positive. |
“Can we look at ways to make a more positive impact with the behavior I mentioned?” |
|
“They” and “them” |
“They told me you are a bad presenter.” “I heard issues with your presentation style from them.” |
Using “them” or “they” instead of “us” or “we” can create a competitive environment. Instead, try focusing on what people can achieve together. |
“I’d like to share some presentation examples I saw in last week’s meeting.” |
|
“Horrible” and “bad” |
“You have a horrible presentation style.” “Your communication skills are bad.” |
Although someone’s behavior may truly be horrible, these negative adjectives tend to create a defensive environment. Instead, try to focus on positive solutions rather than problems. If in doubt, simply drop the negative adjective. |
“I want to talk about your presentation style.” “Are you willing to discuss your communication skills?” |
Although the goal of some communication may be to excite or shock the audience, the intent of critical conversations is to engage and perhaps educate all parties on how to work together more effectively in the future. Cooperative language is the cornerstone of critical conversations.
The polar opposite of cooperative language is confrontational and argumentative language. When a difference of opinion arises, many people want to win while the other person loses. In some situations and cultures, arguing or using rank to influence is seen as a sign of strength. Critical conversation is not one of these times.
Don’t think that critical conversations will never involve a debate about the best possible solution. Parties will have to discuss (and even debate) during a critical conversation; the tone and words of the debate, however, are most productive when they’re cooperative rather than confrontational.
When you have a difference of opinion on how to solve a problem or concern, getting caught up in the moment is easy to do. One misinterpretation or difference of opinion can cause someone to lose her cool, causing the conversation to spiral out of control. Just like that, a critical confrontation — rather than a critical conversation — begins.
Confrontational language blocks each party from listening to the other’s interests and needs. The focus becomes protecting or standing your ground rather than finding a common and agreeable ground. Confrontational language is often emotionally charged or even defensive, and lets the other parties in the conversation know that you’re not there to help build relationships and create something better; you’re there to win.
Here’s an example of a critical conversation that starts as a simple misunderstanding between two peers about who was responsible for doing a final review of a proposal document before it went to a customer. Notice how one piece of confrontational language can belly flop an entire conversation.
You can almost feel the negative force escalating in the conversation. Taking a step back, the goal of the conversation is to find out what happened to the document, where the process broke down, and perhaps even solve the problem. All Julian hears was that he was wrong (“What were you thinking?”), and the conversation tumbles downward from the beginning.
Table 1-2 shows you the areas that turn the conversation sour. In this example, you can see two of those confrontational triggers:
TABLE 1-2 Spotting Confrontational Language (and Turning It Around)
|
Confrontational Triggers |
Examples |
Why It’s Confrontational |
Better Alternatives |
|
One individual or party thinks she’s unconditionally right |
“What were you thinking?” “If you read …” |
Because one individual thinks she’s right, that person is unwilling to consider other opinions, ideas, or positions. |
“Are you willing to work together and explore other ideas that may work?” |
|
A lot of blame |
“What were you thinking?” |
Because the individual believes she’s right, the only solution is for the other party to agree. This ultimatum leaves little room for finding a common ground in a solution all parties can agree to work with in the future. |
“Let’s focus on the solution. What can we do to avoid the situation from happening again?” |
|
Attacks |
“Fine, talk with my supervisor.” “I don’t care.” “You’re wrong.” |
Confrontational language that’s emotionally charged puts people on the defensive and shuts down collaboration, period. |
“I want to resolve the issue, but if you do want to talk with my supervisor, I can help you do that.” “I may not agree with your actions, but let’s talk about how we can create a positive solution.” |
|
Absolutes (“always” and “never”) |
“We always do it this way.” “You never show up to work.” |
Saying something always happens or never happens leaves no room for discussion or interpretation. It is better to state a fact in place of absolutes. |
“That’s different from how I usually solve this concern.” “Based on this week’s time report, I noticed that you didn’t come into work all week.” |
Confrontational language can also give the impression that a party’s only choice is to fight back, just like Julian starts doing as soon as Erin asks what he was thinking. The principles of physics can be applied to the principles of conversation: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If one person tells another person that he’s wrong, the second individual has a choice to either combat one negative with another negative, or to react in an equal but more positive way.
In the previous example, Erin and Julian are going back and forth with negative force in the conversation. The conversation goes in a completely different (and better) direction when Erin starts the discussion like this:
Erin may also choose to use an “I” statement, like “The proposal just went to the client, and after it was sent, I noticed it wasn’t the same version we created last week. Can we sit down and find out how we can correct it?”
Unless Julian saw Erin rewrite the proposal and press send, blaming her for the error is not only premature, but also does nothing to correct the situation now or in the future. In almost all critical conversations, what’s done is done — the parties can’t go back in history to redo the events. Create an open and honest environment to help direct the future rather than try to find out who should be blamed.
The good news is that even if one individual begins to use confrontational language, the other individual can respond in an equal but more positive manner. The next section shows how to turn confrontational language into accommodating words that get results.
The goal of critical conversation isn’t to win, but to approach a problem as a collaborative effort and seek solutions that are beneficial to all parties involved. Whether you’re kicking off the critical conversation or on the receiving end of a potentially confrontational situation, moving from argument to collaboration will create more positive results.
With a little practice, almost any confrontational situation can be flipped into a collaborative and accommodating discussion. The following sections give you some ways to turn confrontational words into more accommodating ones.
One pointer for having a collaborative discussion is to focus on the process and the future rather than the person and the past. Here’s an example:
What changed and why: In one sentence, you can see three big changes. First, “you made a mistake” turns into presenting an opportunity to work together. Second, instead of accusing a person, the focus of the meeting is on the process and how it can be fixed. Third, rather than accusing the other party of doing anything wrong, the accommodating sentence focuses on the future and how to prevent the problem from happening again.
Starting with facts can get a conversation off on the right foot (see the earlier section “Facts, opinions, and gossip” for more information). Here’s an example:
What changed and why: Keep in mind that no one needs to do anything during a critical conversation, so telling someone that she has to change anything, especially her behavior, could easily be met with hostility. Instead, state the facts and their impact from an objective point of view. It can also be helpful to turn possibly harsh statements into questions. Genuine questions help gather more information and open a dialogue, which is perfect for a critical conversation.
When using questions to turn possibly hostile conversations into cooperative ones, be careful not to start the Spanish Inquisition. Come to the conversation with a genuine desire to make things better, not to sarcastically or critically accuse someone. A comment isn’t necessarily cooperative just because you add a question mark to the end.
Avoid absolutes to encourage an accommodating conversation. Here’s an example:
What changed and why: Using the words “never” or “not possible” immediately closes the discussion and limits the number of solutions that are possible.
No one has a magic wand to make all critical conversations go perfectly, but you can draw on key phases to get the discussion going in the right direction and redirect the discussion if it gets off track.
Using the five key phrases in the following sections when they’re appropriate lets the other parties know you want to help make the situation better. Although all these phrases (and all the tactics in this chapter) need to come from a genuine desire to help, using them signals to the other parties that you want to create a critical dialogue to solve the issue instead of giving a one-way lecture on what needs to change.
In the heat of a debate or emotional discussion, having at least one common goal helps the conversation move forward. “Why don’t we work together on …” gives the other individual an opportunity to have some control in the discussion. She can control whether or not she’s there, and she can have a voice in the conversation. This phrase is also helpful to go back to as common ground if the conversation gets off track. For example, you may say, “It seems like we may have gotten off track. In the beginning of the conversation we agreed to work together to solve the problem. Can we keep doing that?”
When providing critical information during a conversation that may not be well received, you’ll probably feel stressed. Opening up can help set a genuine tone that you’re there to help. This openness can neutralize confrontational individuals so you can move toward talking about the real issues. As the initiator of the conversation, you may begin with, “It’s difficult to deliver bad news to a great employee, and this situation is no different.”
Don’t use this phrase if you don’t genuinely feel the situation is hard. For example, if your job is to fire people, saying “It’s hard to fire you” could be seen as insincere. If it’s true, you can say, “I’m in a position to deliver tough news more often than others, but that doesn’t make the situation any easier. I can understand how you may be feeling.”
The receiver of the information may also use this tactic. “It’s hard to hear this information. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with the information you provided. Do you mind if we walk through that example again?”
Asking another individual whether she was aware of behavior, rules, or policies is one of the most underutilized tools during a critical conversation — and in communication in general. At times, information may just go unnoticed. A person may really not be aware of the impact a behavior has on the team. A customer may not be aware of a policy. “Awareness” is a safe word that helps the other party to save face, and it provides a great opportunity to give critical information or education.
A critical conversation should open the doors of communication and create an honest environment for discussion. If one individual feels that she lost the discussion and the other person won, or if any party feels embarrassed, the safe environment of conversation can quickly deteriorate.
Don’t phrase this statement as “Did you know …” Meeting space tends to be ego space, and asking “Did you know …” can be interpreted as the other individual not having the intelligence or ability.
Saying “That is different from the way other situations have been solved” is a great and positive alternative to saying that something will never happen or isn’t possible. Using the phrase “that is different” doesn’t accuse or blame; it simply states a fact. Suppose a customer is complaining on the phone and demanding more than a customer has received in the past. Rather than saying that what the customer wants is impossible, simply say, “That is different from the way we usually work through problems.” The information the customer gave has been acknowledged, and the customer service representative has refocused the conversation on the solution. Maybe you have a magic wand for making critical conversation productive after all!
If someone is outright lying about a situation, make sure you focus on the ethical issue at hand. Chapter 4 in Book 2 covers dealing with ethical issues in more detail and addresses how a mediator may help in tricky situations.
Keeping the conversation focused on the future keeps the discussion positive. This phrase is especially useful when a conversation is focusing on excuses or things that have happened in the past that can’t be changed. Although looking at facts is important for making critical conversations successful, the goal of a critical conversation is to change behavior — not just to present information. This phrase also takes the burden off the initiator of the conversation. One person doesn’t need to have all the solutions to every problem, so asking for other alternatives is a good way to get buy-in and agreement on what will happen after the conversation ends.