“Larry Sternberg has delivered several training programs for AMC managers over the years, and he has truly made a positive difference in our company. I am pleased he has written Managing to Make a Difference because I know he helps managers grow.”

—Jeff Portman, President and Chief Operating Officer, AMC, Inc.

“Around the year 2000, I worked with Larry Sternberg to develop a management training program for Marietta Memorial Hospital. Like Managing to Make a Difference, the program went beyond theory, emphasizing implementation in the workplace. That program played a key role in helping our managers improve their effectiveness. What Larry teaches works.”

—J. Scott Cantley, President and CEO, Marietta Memorial Hospital & Memorial Health System

“I have had the pleasure of working with Larry Sternberg twice in my career, at two different companies. He's the real deal—a transformational mentor who unfailingly follows the suggestions in his book and manages teams that consider their experiences with him to be extraordinary. After having the good fortune of joining him on the executive team at The Ritz-Carlton, Tysons Corner, I modeled my leadership style after his and truly believe his guidance has positively impacted thousands of employees. If you strive to become an effective, compassionate manager—one who truly makes a difference—this is a book you won't be able to put down.”

—Marie Minarich, Director of Human Resources, The Jefferson Hotel, Washington, DC

It is entirely possible to accomplish business goals and earn promotions without making a positive difference in your employees' lives. We wrote this book for managers who do want to make that kind a difference, as it adds a powerful source of meaning and satisfaction to their work lives. In fact, when managers intentionally focus on making a positive difference, it becomes easier (and more fulfilling) for them to achieve business goals and progress in their careers.

We want this book to serve as a guide to help you grow as a manager. Not only do we provide a series of lessons, we also suggest a set of practical “experiments” that enable you to put the principles into action and learn from your own experience.

Not only are our recommendations supported by research, but over the course of his career, Larry Sternberg has put into practice every recommendation in the book. These recommendations work in the real world.

More than one reader pointed out that the strategies and tactics we teach can be used with family and friends to make a big difference in their lives. We invite you to keep this in mind as you progress through the book.

Larry wishes to thank the following people for their contributions to this book:

1. My wife, Salli, whose unconditional love, belief, and support lift me up in everything I do.
2. My coauthor, Kim Turnage, who improved the final product far beyond what it would have been without her. Kim, I love working with you.
3. My boss, Kimberly Rath, for her unequivocal and generous support of this book, without which it would not have happened at all.
4. Carolyn Weese, for her proofing, formatting, and many other important contributions in getting this work submitted to our publisher.
5. Raschelle Casebier, for her contributions in getting this work submitted.
6. Sigi Brauer and Horst Schulze, for teaching me and giving me opportunities to grow as a manager and leader.
7. Vicki Denfield, Steven Freund, Jim Horsman, Marie Minarich, Fadi Ramadan, and Eric Swanson—the executives at The Ritz-Carlton, Tysons Corner, who taught me and supported me in my leadership journey. Each of you has made a big difference in my life.
8. Keith McLeod and Steve Marx, whose early critique helped us make major improvements to the book.
9. Doug Rath, whose teaching and support over the years has helped me grow.

Kim wishes to thank and acknowledge:

1. Larry Sternberg, for trusting me to help make his dream of this book a reality. Larry, I love working with you, too. What's next?
2. My husband and best friend, Rick Turnage, who has kept the promise he made 26 years ago to grow with me and help me grow, and who also happens to be one of the very best managers I know.
3. My dad, Wayne Guthrie, who was my first example of a manager who makes a difference and whose positive influence lives on in the hearts and minds of all those he left behind.
4. My first and most constant teachers and mentors, my mother, Chris Guthrie, and my grandmother, Verlene Schoen.
5. All the teachers, coaches, mentors, and managers who invested in me and helped me grow, most especially Larry Meyer, Greg Olson, Doug Rath, Ray Myers, Gwyn Bagot, Nan Fullinwider, Gary Pepin, and my teacher, mentor, and friend of 27 years and counting, Calvin P. Garbin.
6. My children, Connor, Arin, and Peyton—individually and together, you have been my greatest teachers about the power of discovering and nurturing the strengths and talents that make each person unique.

What is managing to make a difference? Ask the next five people you see to tell you about a manager who made a difference in their lives, and see what you hear. Here are some responses we got when we asked that question:

“She was supportive and highly in tune with my strengths. She consistently looked for ways to maximize my potential, always recognized my work, and helped me realize how much value I added to the organization. She was a mentor and coach but, most importantly, a friend.”

—Jess Karo describing her manager, Trisha Berry

“I had a manager on the police department who would inspire us before the DWI detail we had every year during the month of December. He would plan a theme for the month. His squad was called the South West Weasels. The first year was ‘Weasels in Wonderland.’ He brought New Year's confetti poppers and sparkling grape juice to our kickoff. We drank to our success and sang songs. (Think of that—45 macho cops singing together!) He would then carefully assign people to various job tasks. The traffic oriented cops went out to stop cars. The more warm and fuzzy cops took calls for service. The burly ones were assigned to break up wild parties. Everyone was assigned to the jobs they were most successful at and gravitated toward. Job satisfaction was very high, and he played to people's strengths. Plus, everyone knew Mike had our back. No other brass would mess with Mike's squad. He was supportive, empathetic, the most creative person I have ever met, and he was all about our success and development. Additionally, he was a great resource and one of the best police officers I had ever seen. When I got promoted to Sergeant he mentored me. The first thing he told me was, ‘Always come down on the side of your cops. No one else will stick up for them so you have to. They always get the benefit of the doubt.’ Words cannot convey how formative he was for me.”

—Kent Woodhead describing his manager, Mike Siefkes

“I would thank her for being a positive moving force in my life. Our days would get very busy, and she worked alongside us to ensure we all met the goal together as one team. My manager was appreciative, supportive, gracious, and a dear friend. We don't work together anymore and I wish we did. Still friends today, she continues to shape my life and future for good.”

—Makenzie Rath describing her manager, Renuka Ramanathan

“He had two main gifts: seeing gifts in people that they didn't even know were there (and encouraging them to use those gifts!), and having a clear vision and goals, but at the same time making everyone around him feel like they were an important part of it all.”

—Matt Schur describing his manager, Larry Meyer

Try it yourself. This book is full of experiments, so make this your first one. Seriously. Ask the next five people you see to tell you about a manager who made a difference in their lives. They will not tell you about the business goals those managers achieved or the processes they improved or the awards they won. They will tell you about how those managers saw something in them, fanned a spark into a flame, and helped them grow. They will use words like trust, mentor, coach, grow, inspire, listen, empathy, potential—and friend. Those are the managers who make a difference—the ones who make people their highest priority and, as a bonus for that investment, achieve more, and perform better.

We wrote this book for managers who want to make a positive difference in the lives of the people they lead. We designed it as a kind of handbook. Each chapter stands alone so you can, if you like, open the book at random and start anywhere. But we also put the chapters in an order that allows them to build on one another as the book progresses. In this book, we provide real-life stories along with a series of lessons. We also suggest a set of practical “experiments” that enable you to put the principles into action and learn from your own experience.

Not only are the recommendations in this book supported by research, but over the course of his career, Larry Sternberg has put every single one into practice in his own work as a manager and leader. These recommendations work in the real world, and our experience tells us that, as you strive to be the kind of manager who makes a difference, you will not only improve engagement, performance, and retention among your team members (which translates to better results for your organization), you will also find a greater sense of fulfillment and meaning in your own work.

As you incorporate the lessons and experiments in this book into your daily work as a manager, you will increase your capacity to make a difference in the lives of the people you manage. The strategies you learn in this book can also carry over into your interactions with family and friends so that you make a bigger difference in their lives, too. And if someone asks a person you have managed, “Tell me about a manager who made a difference in your life,” the manager he or she describes could very well be you.

Sometimes moments of enlightenment are not about matters of profound wisdom. But they are moments of enlightenment, nevertheless.

Think about employee orientation and employee handbooks. In many companies, the theme seems to be, “Welcome to our company! We want to make sure you know the reasons you can be punished (up to and including termination!).”

We make everyone sign a document (usually the last page of the handbook) attesting that they have read these rules. We need the signature, of course, in case we have to prove in court that they were aware of the rules and of the consequences of not abiding by them. We start building our case for termination on their first day of work!

You can probably cite numerous reasons why this is a good idea in today's litigious business environment. Maybe you believe such rules are a good business strategy. Maybe you are a little more ambivalent and would prefer not to have these kinds of rules, but you consider them a necessary evil. Either way, be honest about whether or not they contribute positively to retention. They do not.

In business, we often invest more in ensuring that we can fire our poor performers than we do in retaining our good performers. Rules designed to make it easy to fire people also make it more difficult to retain them.

All human communities have rules and need rules to function effectively. Even that diner had unwritten rules, and Bernie violated one when he did not call to tell his coworkers what was going on. But his punishment was that people were angry. Just like a family. Many organizations say that they are “like a family.” The diner was actually living it.

Why was the diner able to function without a set of written rules?

Relationship.

At the diner, people resolved their challenges through relationship rather than rules. That's what this book is about:

The first step in cultivating positive relationships is getting to know your people. Right away, we are giving you a simple, practical tool that will help you rapidly build positive relationships with people you have just met. It will also help you improve relationships with people you already know. The tool, called “Focus On You®,” consists of the following six questions.

Focus on You

1. What name do you prefer to be called?
2. If you boil it all down to a few words, what do you really get paid to do?
3. What are your positive hot buttons—your interests in and out of work that are instant conversation starters?
4. Tell us about two successes you have had, one professional and one personal.
5. What do you do best—in and out of work?
6. Tell us about two goals you have, one professional and one personal.

To use this tool with one or more people, hand out a blank copy of the Focus On You Worksheet to everyone and explain the six questions. Give everyone (including yourself) a few minutes to make notes on their own responses to the six questions in the boxes provided. Take turns allowing each person (including yourself) to share their answers to all the questions, without interruption. Then invite follow-up questions. Each person should take three to five minutes. Take notes on what everyone says. These notes are worth keeping and referring back to later. We have provided an example that includes Kim's notes on her own answers and her notes on Larry's answers to the six questions. You can find printable Focus On You worksheets on our website at ManageToMakeADifference.com.

Focus On You works one-on-one or in groups. You must do this in person, face to face, and you must always answer the questions yourself. The point of Focus On You is for everyone involved to learn a few things about everyone else.

Note: You can also do Focus On You with significant others or friends. Hal, a seminar participant and senior vice president for a large manufacturing company, did Focus On You with his family. He found out he was calling his daughter, Melissa, by the wrong name. She preferred Missy. Focus On You was only a small portion of the seminar he attended, but Hal insisted that outcome with his daughter, on its own, was worth every penny he paid for the seminar.

Many managers are taught, “Do not get too close to your people. Be friendly with them, sure. But you need to know where to draw the line.” Sound familiar? Unfortunately, practicing this approach diminishes your ability to motivate and retain your top performers. Again, you have to choose your basic philosophy. Do you want to conduct your relationships so that it is easier to fire people or do you want to respond to people in ways that enhance retention?

What level of relationship should you have with your coworkers? Where should you draw the line? Our answer is: Do not place limits on the depth of your friendships with coworkers. The world is full of misguided thinking that passes for wisdom. People are taught not to get close with their coworkers or with their direct reports. Do not heed that advice.

Think about the reasons that people tell you not to get too close.

1. “Familiarity breeds contempt,” is one of the most commonly repeated reasons.

If that statement were true, the people who have the most contempt for you would be your closest friends and relatives!

Here is the next reason people advocate not getting too close to your employees:

1. “You may have to discipline that person.”

The fact that it is emotionally unpleasant to discipline someone you are close to is a good thing. You will first try to persuade them through conversation that they will be better off if they change their behavior. The closer your relationship, the more likely you can influence them to correct their behavior before you need to resort to disciplinary action. And if you do need to go there, these employees will see that it is painful for you. And that sends the right message.

“But,” some will say, “if you are too close to that employee, you might avoid the discipline because you don't want to hurt their feelings or damage your relationship.”

That is a powerful point. Many managers fall into the trap of avoiding close relationships for exactly that reason. They do not reflect on the fact that it is your closest friends, the people who care most about you, who are willing to deliver difficult messages. Who tells you that you have bad breath? Not a stranger, usually. Why is that? Because the person who tells you knows that the interaction will be uncomfortable at best, and it might hurt your feelings. But someone who cares about you is willing to work through those uncomfortable feelings to help you. The stranger does not need the hassle.

If you are a parent, think about the times you have delivered difficult messages to your children—messages that possibly made them cry. Why did you do that? Because you enjoy hurting their feelings? Of course not. You did it because you wanted to help them be the best person they could be and you knew that they needed to hear what you had to say. You care so much about them that you are willing to work through the hurt feelings.

Great managers do not let their relationships prevent them from doing their jobs, even when they must discipline their friends.

Look at the next objection to forming close relationships:

1. “People will accuse me of having favorites.”

Here is reality: You have favorites now.

It is human nature. You have better chemistry with some employees than with others. And, by the way, your employees know very well who your favorites are. You might not treat these people differently in terms of rewards, shift preferences, rule enforcement, et cetera. But people know that you have favorites. So…

“But,” you may ask, “what are the benefits of forming close relationships with my employees? It is fraught with risk. Why should I take these risks?”

Imagine you have a very serious problem in your life, a problem in which you need someone to show up on your doorstep tomorrow morning. The deadline is nonnegotiable. They must show up tomorrow morning. Who would you call? Who would absolutely do this for you? Have a real person in mind before you read further.

You are probably thinking of someone with whom you have a close relationship. Your certainty that this person will show up to help is based entirely on your relationship.

Managers who are close to their people can ask for more effort and better results. They can ask people to hang in during difficult times. They can ask people to try a new process. They can ask for forgiveness when they have exercised poor judgment. And even when they do not ask, managers who are close to their people inspire more discretionary effort. Discretionary effort is people's willingness to go above and beyond, to do more than the minimum requirement.

But doesn't this go both ways so that they can now ask you, their manager, for more effort and better results?

Yes, it does. If you are not willing to extend yourself for your people, why would they extend themselves for you?

Some readers will definitely be uncomfortable with this approach and will outright reject it for the reasons discussed in this chapter. That's okay. Every manager has his or her own style. Relationships—personal as well as professional—always involve risk.

But we know there are some managers out there who have questioned the common advice to keep a distance, to draw a line. We are speaking to you. In your heart of hearts, you have said to yourself, “Things feel better when I get close to my people.” To you, we say: Go for it. Give it a try. See what results you get in your laboratory. The risks are well worth the rewards.